


Let Me Spell It Out For You

by ExceedinglyRegular (DrakeRamorayIII)



Category: Buzzfeed Ruining History (Web series), Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Buzzfeed: Worth It (Web Series)
Genre: Accidental Relationship, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cussing, Love Potion/Spell, M/M, Magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-07-29 10:22:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16262246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrakeRamorayIII/pseuds/ExceedinglyRegular
Summary: This is why you don't mess with magic.All Ryan wanted was to do something nice for his friends, to help out a little with their love lives... but the spell misfires and now he's stuck with a convoluted mess that he doesn't know how to fix.(Part ofthe BuzzFeed Creations Challenge)(Partner:@mercury-skieson tumblr)





	1. You

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt:**  
>  The beacon light shines on the hill,  
> The will-o’-wisps the forests fill  
> With flashes filched from noon;  
> And witches on their broomsticks spry  
> Speed here and yonder in the sky,  
> And life their strident voices high  
> Unto the Hunter’s moon.

This is why you don't mess with magic.

This is why you don't fucking mess with the supernatural.

Unfortunately, the reminder came a little too late as the damage has already been done. And, oh boy, this is some fucked up mess he created.

Ryan's holed up in a broom closet with his laptop, trying his best to ignore how cramped his legs are. He has his bottle filled up, and in the pocket of his hoodie are two sandwiches that may or may not have been someone else's lunch that had been left in the fridge. His phone is on 'do not disturb' mode and Ryan prays that no emergencies occur while he's in here.

All he's trying to do is wrap up his research notes for one of the episodes in the upcoming season of True Crime. That's all he wants to do but nope, he's made almost zero progress and he's been at it for hours. The wi-fi connection on his laptop is intermittent, and it makes what once was a two second wait into a multi-minute stalling... just to open one (ONE!) webpage. There aren't even any pictures on it.

As if the technical difficulties aren't bad enough, the metal bits of the step ladder are digging into Ryan's spine and it's almost a miracle that they haven't cut deep enough to draw blood. The worst part is that he can't even risk moving it, just in case it sends everything flying. Even one little noise and he could be found. And that would equate to a one-way ticket to hell.

But for all the misery he's in, Ryan can't find it in him to actually complain. This is, after all, his own fault. He put himself in this predicament with his own stupidity.

It was supposed to be a simple spell. 

Okay, maybe not that simple. There was a whole bunch of assorted plants and fruits involved, some of which Ryan has never even heard of before. There were also an entire set of runes that he's not sure if he drew correctly. Maybe that's where it went wrong. Maybe not.

Ryan's not a complete idiot though, he didn't just randomly pluck some shady-ass ritual off of Google to perform. He had actually gone and hunt down a very specific spell book that his childhood friend recommended. Okay, not 'recommended', she merely mentioned using it before, and she said the spell she performed worked. She had nothing to gain from lying to Ryan, so of course he believed her.

So on a Friday night, under the full moon, Ryan found himself in the middle of his living room floor, sitting in mostly darkness, surrounded by a circle of candles. He had crushed a bunch of the ingredients into a bowl and set it on fire, exactly as he was instructed to do.

He had one of Steven's hoodies lying on one side of the altar, and one of Andrew's ties on the other. Don't ask how he got them, it's better not to know.

Ryan consulted the spell book for the next step and it said to... 'toss the petals into the burning flame and chant the following' ...what followed was a bunch of Latin that Ryan was certain he completely butchered.

He was almost done and once the whole thing was completed, Steven and Andrew were supposed to 'fall in blissful and unending love'. Or so the book claimed. Ryan sighs, he's been trying to get Steven and Andrew together for the longest time but had no success. He may have gotten a little impatient, hence the witchcraft. (And this was not at all because he made a promise to himself that if Standrew happened, he would grow a pair and ask Shane out.)

Of course, if the thing worked, he would be able to do it for himself and Shane. But he's not merely using his friends as guinea pigs, he genuinely wanted them to be happy together. It was purely coincidental that they also happened to be suitable test subjects. 

And yes, Ryan recognizes the irony in him attempting witchcraft.

Maybe he had pissed off the ghost of a witch on one of the Supernatural episodes. Or maybe he misread the instructions, or maybe he's just being punished for messing with something he isn't supposed to but whatever it was, the spell had gone horribly wrong and now Andrew...

"Ryan?" Holy shit. Andrew's muffled voice comes from just beyond the closet door, and from the little breaks in the light strip under it, Ryan can tell exactly where his hunter is standing on the other side. He's so fucked now.

The handle jiggles and the door shifts a little but it remains shut. Ryan had stuck a broomstick under the handle to 'lock' the door, he didn't expect it to work but it did.

"...Ryan?" Andrew's voice is a little softer this time, sounding a little lost and a little... hurt. Ryan clutches at his chest trying to calm himself down but nothing could prepare Ryan for what he hears next. "Did I do something wrong?" Andrew's voice is shaky and even cracked on 'wrong', and Ryan immediately feels everything terrible.

He needs to stop hiding away, and face this head on. All of this is his fault and it's not fair to hurt Andrew like this, for something he has no control over. There's a soft thud against the door and Andrew speaks again.

"I'm sorry..." Hold the fuck up, is he...? Oh my god, he's actually crying. That's too much, that's just too much for Ryan to take. He gets up and unceremoniously shoves his laptop off him, reaching for the door. If his computer got completely wrecked, he'll deal with it later. As he's about to push the door open, he realizes that Andrew is likely still leaning against it.

"Andrew... I'm coming out." There's a noise of surprise from the outside, and the parts of slim strip of light under the door join back up. Ryan waits a few more seconds for Andrew to get to a safe distance before opening the door.

Ryan has to squint when he steps outside, his eyes unused to the relatively bright surroundings. Andrew's blurry figure is slouched in the corner. Even though Ryan's sight is hampered he can still easily make his way over.

When he does, he pulls Andrew into a hug to comfort him. The embrace is familiar, and Ryan's rubbing circles into Andrew's back. His sobbing slowly subsides and he mumbles into Ryan's ear.

"Is it because I outed you...?"

The thought never even crossed Ryan mind before this. Sure, Andrew did ask him out and indirectly outed him but Ryan was the one who said 'yes'. In a way, he outed himself. The weird thing is, Ryan had had anxiety attacks from fears of being outed against his will but... the past few weeks he didn't even care what people thought about it. It's like none of it mattered.

"Absolutely not, Andrew..." Ryan has to steady himself with a deep breath. He cursed his past self for being so rash and thoughtless, for not considering Andrew's feelings. "I'm sorry, Drew. I just.... I..."

 _'I needed some space from you.'_ His mind unhelpfully supplies. While it is indeed a factual statement, it is also possibly one of the worst things he can say right now. But since he can't think of anything else to say, he just squeezes Andrew in his arms a little tighter, ignoring how he can somewhat feel the filling being pressed out of the sandwiches between them. At least they're plastic-wrapped, would be a bigger mess otherwise.

Since the spell misfired, Andrew somehow became in love with Ryan instead. It's puzzling how that could've happened. When the burning reagents in front of him had suddenly exploded, Ryan thought that the worst case scenario would be him losing his already-sparse eyebrows. He didn't even consider that the spell would actually work but in the worst way possible.

This entire thing is a real nightmare.

And it's not even Andrew's behavior that's the problem. Ryan's completely fine with Andrew's shows of endearment and whatnot, it's actually kinda nice to have someone treating him with such love and kindness. The problem stems from the fact that Steven doesn't talk to Ryan anymore (likely out of jealousy) and the real kicker, oh man, you better sit down for this one... Shane's completely fine with it. Actually, he's uncharacteristically delighted at this strange turn of events.

It's completely stupid for Ryan to think that Shane had anything other than platonic feelings for him. Yet here Ryan is, grieving over losing something that never really existed. It hurts to a ridiculous degree, and Ryan hates to say this but... Andrew actually helps make it a little more bearable. Every time Andrew gave him any sort of affection, he imagines it's Shane instead and it stings a little less. That counts as cheating, right?

Where does Ryan go to collect his _'Worst Boyfriend In The Universe'_ award?


	2. For

"Here..." Ryan carefully slides the box across the desk towards Andrew, who only looks up confusedly at him. He carefully cradles the package in his hands, unsure if he should open it.

"What's this?" Andrew's looking up at him with an expectant glint in his eye, like a little kid waiting to open up their Christmas present.

"One of your favorites," Ryan replies with a soft smile. Andrew's eyebrows quirk up and he returns a little smile of his own. He carefully opens the box up and Adam, who is sat next to him, immediately notices the contents and is eyeing the cheesecake in envy.

"Ryan..." Andrew sighs happily, in a tone that sounds a lot like 'you shouldn't have'.

"It's an... apology for-" Ryan begins to explain but the instant Andrew hears the words 'apology', he cuts him off.

"No!" Andrew's expression suddenly changes to something between cross and hurt, he slowly pushes to box away from him. "We've been through this, you don't have to apologize for anything."

Perhaps from Andrew's perspective that may be true, but he doesn't know the complete story, Ryan does. And from Ryan's perspective, one paltry slice of cake is hardly enough to begin making up for all his wrongdoings. Even if that one slice cost as much as an entire meal from Chipotle.

"At least eat the damn cheesecake," Ryan pleads. Not only did he not want it to go to waste but if Andrew ate it, it would make him feel a little better about his shitty behavior. It's a selfish thing to think but at this point, what hasn't Ryan done that isn't selfish?

"That would be equivalent to accepting the apology you didn't need to make..."

"Drew..." Ryan draws out his name with an exasperated sigh. While he knows that Andrew can be stubborn at times, this is really not a good time to be showcasing that trait.

"I'm serious." Is he-...? Is Andrew using the BuzzCreep voice on him? The two men lock gazes in an obstinate standoff, neither willing to relent. Drastic times call for drastic measures...

"Well, so am I." Ryan reaches out for the box. "If you don't eat it, I'm gonna give it to someone else..."

"No! It's mine!" Andrew hurriedly pulls the cheesecake close to his chest and leans over it, defending it from the world. Ryan chuckles, it's ridiculous how much Andrew resembles a cat. His eyes narrow and Ryan thinks he hears a hiss. "Fine. I will eat the cheesecake but I don't accept your apology. Because you don't need to apologize for anything."

"Alright, alright..." Ryan has his hands up in a show of surrender, though deep down he knows that he won. Oh-kay, stop right there, Ryan Bergara. That is so wrong on so many levels. What does he mean by winning? What even is there to win? Was this all just a game to him?

Ryan's head is starting to spin as he questions his own motives and character (and his sanity). Over the couple of weeks, there have been so many moments like these, where Ryan wonders if he is truly doing the right thing.

But first, let's talk about the moment where everything started going wrong.

The first thing that tipped Ryan off was the absolute lack of eye contact from Andrew the entire time, it's like he's... shy? That's a side that Ryan doesn't think anyone has seen before. 

It was Taco Tuesday, so the company had a taco truck come in during lunch time. Ryan wanted to ask Shane to join him but he was busy in the recording booth, so he planned to wait for Shane to finish his thing but Andrew somehow managed to convince Ryan to get lunch together. Just the two of them.

Ryan hadn't thought much of it at first, there's always another day to have lunch with Shane... but then Andrew starting behaving a little weird.

Instead of joining a group of their friends at one of the large tables like they usually do, Andrew had ushered him to one of the tiny ones tucked away in a corner, away from the crowd. Then he insisted that Ryan stay put while he went to get their food. Then he refused to let Ryan pay for his own food, asserting that it is his treat.

Really, Ryan should have seen it coming.

"Hey, Ryan?" Andrew's voice is low and soft. Straight away, Ryan recognizes that voice, it's the voice that Andrew uses when he's about to ask something important. Ryan amusedly wonders if it's about that crossover episode that they so often joked about, he takes another bite out of his taco and nods to tell Andrew to go on.

A few moments pass without a response, and that is when Ryan notices that Andrew had stopped eating and is now toying around with this food, still refusing to make eye contact. Now Ryan is worried.

"What's up?" Ryan asks in genuine concern. It's not often that something bothers Andrew, at least not to this extent. The last time Andrew behaved like this was when Steven announced he was moving to New York. Ryan had secretly hoped that it would be the perfect catalyst for some sort of confession of feelings between the two but nothing like that had happened. Most of the office was also thoroughly disappointed.

Ryan eyes his coworker carefully, trying his best to decipher his facial expression. When Andrew starts speaking, his eyes remained glued to his taco, so it's like he's gone mad and is talking to his food.

"Do you... I don't know... maybe... wanna... ... ...go out sometime?"

"Hmm? What?" Ryan is stumped momentarily as he attempts to understand what he heard. Andrew wants to hang out? Why does he have to be so shy about it? Sure, the two of them don't interact all that much outside of office hours but it's not like they're not friends or anything. Then Andrew reveals the last four pieces of the puzzle.

"...like on a date?"

"Oh? I...?" Wait what? It takes Ryan several seconds to realize what happened. The fucking spell misfired! Of fucking course. That would explain why Andrew was acting so fucking weird at yesterday's meeting. Like Andrew would keep looking at Ryan when he thought he wasn't paying attention, and every time Ryan catches him, he fucking looks away shyly like a kid who got caught stealing from the cookie jar.

Ryan is just about to tell Andrew that he's not interested when he remembers a line from the spell book: 'Be warned, the afflicted must be given the attention and affection they so crave or they will perish... from a broken heart'. Ryan is ninety-percent certain that it was bullshit when he first read it, but now he's not so sure. If the fucking spell worked... the warning may actually be factual.

Well, he doesn't want to fucking _kill_ Andrew. Plus, it's better to be safe than sorry. If the warning turned out to be false, he will have gone on a date with Andrew for no reason. No biggie. But if it _is_ true...

"Never mind, forget I said that. I-..."

"No! I mean, yes! I mean..." Andrew's face flickers from disappointed to bewildered to flustered in a matter of milliseconds, and Ryan would find it very amusing if not for the situation at hand. He takes a deep breath and tries not to get too flustered himself. "I would love to go on a date with you, Andrew."

"Really?" Andrew exclaims so loudly that some of the folks from a nearby table jump in their seats (and keep in mind that _that_ table is quite some distance away). There's a little smile playing on Andrew's lips and it's slowly growing wider and wider. How the hell can Ryan say no? He doesn't go around murdering his coworkers in cold-blood and he's definitely not about to start. Also, Andrew looked _so_ sincere, it's hard to turn him down.

"Yeah...! It just... kinda caught me off guard, you know?" His voice has gone all high and squeaky, it's impossible for anyone to not realize that he's lying. But if Andrew notices it, he doesn't let it show. Instead, he's beaming at Ryan with an intensity that readily rivals the fucking high noon sun that's bearing down on them right now.

"So uh, is tomorrow night good? Or is it to soon...?" Andrew's voice has gone quiet again, he's eyeing Ryan carefully as if one wrong word could turn the entire situation around. Ryan simply gives a thumbs up alongside a grin and a nod, not trusting his voice to not embarrass him further.

And so they went on their damned date. Andrew was a perfect gentleman... as expected. It was a good date, objectively. If it weren't for the fact that it was with Andrew, Ryan might even say he enjoyed it. Not that there's anything wrong with Andrew, per se. It's just that Ryan's not into Andrew that way, and that this was entirely the stupid fucking spell's doing.

Then they went on more and more dates because Ryan's too scared to say no. At this point, he's kinda trapped. It didn't occur to him earlier that he had no way of verifying the authenticity of the warning from the spell book other than... Which means that there's nothing he can do about it without possibly killing Andrew via heartbreak. So, when Andrew asked him to be his boyfriend... Ryan had to say yes. There is no way around it.

In conclusion, Ryan fucked up... and then he topped it by fucking up even more.

With all the havoc he caused, it's no surprise Ryan can't sleep properly at night. No, seriously. He has been plagued by nightmares since he performed the damned spell/ritual/thingy. They started out pretty tame: his friends giving him the cold shoulder at work, or discovering that he didn't study for an exam, or showing up to a meeting in just his birthday suit. Standard nightmare stuff.

But slowly, they got worse. Way worse.

_He's being chased through the forest. He doesn't know who it is, or what it is that's chasing him. But he knows that it is after his life. There's shadowy, echoey laughter reverberating from around the trees. Some high-pitched and delighted, others low and dark._

_Ryan has no idea where he's running other than 'away'. Are those the same trees again? Is he running in circles? The forest starts splitting into blurry double-visions. Then suddenly, Ryan trips over a huge rock which sends him tumbling, and he falls into a small clearing onto his back._

_He's suddenly bathed in light, one look and it's obvious he's being illuminated by the full moon. Ryan wants to get back up and resume running before whatever it is catches him, but he finds that he can't. He can barely move beyond looking around. It's as if all his limbs are broken._

_In that moment, he's plunged into darkness as something blocks the light of the moon from him. It's a large, winged creature and it is swooping downwards._

_This is it. This is how he fucking dies. Ryan says his final prayers just as the shadowy figure descends onto him, sharp claws tearing into his flesh._

Ryan screams himself awake. He's sweaty, clammy, and tangled in the sheets. It takes a couple of moments for him to regain his bearings and realize that he's lying in his own bedroom. Safe. Or is he?

The intensity of his racing heart can be felt all throughout his body. Ryan slowly frees himself from his blanket, the cold air a salve to his emotional trauma. His breathing eventually returns to a resting rate and he can feel himself relax again.

Fuck this. He can't sleep alone. He doesn't _want_ to sleep alone. But what choice does he have? Well, Andrew lives only five minutes away, it would be easy to ask him to... No. No. Fuck no.

Ryan brought this upon himself, if there are consequences, he will have to suffer through it himself, not inconvenience his unwilling boyfriend. He's already brought enough trouble to Andrew, he's not going to let himself pile on to that further. With a renewed sense of determination, Ryan dives back under the covers.

Not even half a minute later, he hears footsteps coming from upstairs. Normally, this is no cause for concern but the things is... the unit above his is empty. He checked.

Okay, fuck all of that... he needs to find a way to break this fucking spell.


	3. Out

The spell book is fucking useless.

Ryan had spent all night reading through it, and it gave no instructions whatsoever on how to break the love spell (or any spell for that matter). There wasn't even a fucking clue. He slams the damn book shut in frustration, and downs the rest of his coffee. That marks his third cup.

It is already the wee hours of the morning, so Ryan decides it would be a much better use of his time to search online instead. But first he needs to find a sweater or something, he's shaking like a tree from the cold air (and maybe the caffeine overload as well).

When Ryan steps into his bedroom, he can feel the warm invitation of his bed calling out to him. He knows very well he should get some rest as he'll have to head off to work in just a few hours. And sleep-deprived Ryan is grumpy, mean, and unproductive Ryan.

Despite knowing what's best for himself, Ryan bypasses his bed and heads straight for his closet. He rummages through it and comes across the hoodie he used for the ritual. He glares at it as if its existence is the entire reason behind his misery... then it dawns on him. He's a fucking idiot.

Of course the spell had fucked up. The hoodie was originally his! Steven had mentioned that he liked it a lot when he saw Ryan wearing it. It was almost brand new and didn't fit him anymore, so Ryan gave it as a farewell gift when Steven moved to New York.

Ryan glowers at the hoodie in his hands, absolutely fuming at himself. He clenches his fists so tight that a hole threatens to erupt through the fabric. WHY. WAS. HE. SO. STUPID?! Out of pure rage, Ryan releases a muffled scream into the cloth ball then throws it across the room.

That is IT! He needs to fix this fucking mess he created, and he's gonna start by finding a goddamn way to fucking dispel this... this _THING_!

Ryan storms into the living room and plops down at his computer. Cracking his knuckles for dramatic effect, he launches his browser and begins his quest.

There are plenty of search results, but majority of them read like children's books. Ryan closes the tabs one by one as he checks the spells off his list. Bullshit. Bullshit. Most definitely a joke. More bullshit.

Hmm, this one looks promising. It very closely resemble the one he did, but with some important differences here and there. Ryan copies the list of ingredients needed onto his phone: some herbs, spices, rose petals, some essential oils, and a broken chain. He might have that last one already.

Ryan's phone suddenly starts blaring and he flails about in panic, almost falling out of his chair. Ah fuck, it's his alarm. He scrambles to shut it off before it does any further damage to his eardrums (and dignity).

With the rude interruption out of the way, Ryan resumes his research, hoping to find at least one more source to try out. This situation is stressing him out and wearing him down. Maybe he should just find a spell that can send him back in time so he can stop himself from creating this mess in the first place. And maybe one that can ease the feelings of guilt stemming from his deception.

_This is why you don't mess with magic._

Right. No more magicky things other than the reversal. If he makes it out of this alive, Ryan swears he's never fucking around with supernatural shit ever again.

Ah, this one looks credible. Ryan grabs his phone and is about to add on to his shopping list when he notices the time. Oh shit, he's going to be late for work! Hastily emailing the link to himself, Ryan hops out of his chair and gets ready for work. He takes a quick hot shower to calm himself down, and is out the front door in record time.

On the drive to the office, Ryan picks up his breakfast: a cup of coffee, and an egg sandwich that he devours at a stop light. He arrives at the office only about ten minutes later than usual, not too bad. He speed-walks his way over to his desk on the second floor. As he approaches, Shane smiles and waves at him with a simple 'hello' that Ryan returns in kind.

Back to work, actual work this time. As much as he wants to, Ryan restrains himself from searching up spells at work. Shane is sat right beside him and can easily see what he's up to, not to mention all the people who would walk past behind him. But trying to focus on all these heinous criminals is tough when you're having a personal crisis. His mind is being unhelpful by comparing himself to the murderers whose works are displayed on his screen.

About five minutes later, Shane leans over into Ryan's space and kinda just waits. Ryan takes that as a signal to remove his headphones.

"Another bad night?" Shane immediately asks the moment Ryan puts his attention on him. It's stupid how a simple question like that sent Ryan's heart racing. But Shane noticed! Shane actually noticed that Ryan hasn't been sleeping well even though he never brought it up.

"Yeah, keep getting these fucked up nightmares," Ryan tells him earnestly, with a sigh to punctuate how frustrated he is at it. Shane's eyes immediately widen in concern, and Ryan's heart threatens to burst in his chest.

"Is it because of all the stress from work?" Shane hovers in even closer, studying Ryan's face as if it held all the answers. Ryan startles slightly from both the proximity and the question, and leans away a little.

"I don't know, maybe..." Ryan lies. He knows damn well that's not why, but he can't tell Shane the real reason. Partly because Shane would make fun of him for it, but mainly because he doesn't want Shane to hate him.

"Maybe you should see a doctor before it starts to affect your health..." Shane has a slightly concerned, slanted frown on his face. And with that, Shane returns to his own space and resumes working on his computer.

Pretending he's not disappointed, Ryan starts taking huge gulps of his coffee, still mildly flustered. His heart has yet to return to its normal pace. Ryan stops mid-drink as he realizes that four entire cups of caffeinated water definitely won't be helping matters.

Feeling too buzzed and restless to focus, Ryan decides that it would be a good idea to go for a jog along the perimeter of the office grounds. Work off all that caffeine and stuff. He's not exactly dressed for exercise but if need be, he can always make use of the change of clothes that he left in his car for emergencies.

One and a half rounds in, Ryan gets a text from his boyfriend asking him if he wants to get lunch together. Andrew's currently out with the rest of the Worth It crew doing scouting, and Ryan's surprised that he hasn't already ate with them. Was Andrew holding out for him?

Ryan texts back an affirmative and finishes the rest of his lap. He returns to the office covered in sweat but in a much better mood. He heads off to the washroom to get changed. Once he's done, Ryan goes back to his desk to grab a few things before heading out.

Andrew's texted him again, this time with the address of where he is currently at. Ryan replies with a thumbs-up and a heart emoji. It feels a little weird to be sending a text like that but Ryan reminds himself that he has to at least keep up appearances.

"Where'd you go...?" Shane looks up at him in confusion, then rapidly blinks a few times when he notices Ryan's clothes. "You changed." Ryan is just about as equally surprised as Shane, but at how observant his friend is instead. 

"Huh? Uh, yeah. I went for a jog to clear my mind," Ryan explains and Shane nods in understanding. Just as he is about to leave, Shane gets up from his seat.

"You wanna go grab lunch or something? There's this awesome burrito place nearby I wanna check out." This actually stops Ryan mid-step. He does a double take, unsure if he had heard correctly but Shane's warm grin confirms that he did.

What to do, what to do? While it will reflect badly on him, Ryan could just cancel his plans with Andrew. It's not like it's going to be a big deal... it's just lunch. It's not cheating. He and Shane often had lunch together, it's nothing unusual.

But this is the first time Shane's asking since he and Andrew started dating. They haven't had a meal just the two of them for over a month. Maybe Ryan's thinking too much into this, but he really really really wants to go to lunch with Shane. Which means he's gotta cancel on Andrew. Yeah, he's gonna do exactly that and then go have burritos with Shane.

"Sorry, I already made plans with Andrew." 

Wait, what? That's not what he wanted to say! Ryan wants to correct himself but is too stunned by his own actions to do so. By the time he regains his composure, it's already too late.

"Oh! Alright then, maybe some other time. You two lovebirds have fun!" Shane doesn't look at all disappointed, he give Ryan a solid pat on the shoulder. And leaves with a wink.

 _"Wait, no... come back..."_ Ryan calls after Shane in a barely a whisper but Shane's already gone. Fuck, what is wrong with him? Ryan is inclined to cut his traitorous tongue off.

Ah fuck, at least he won't have to deal with letting Andrew down. Ryan doesn't think he can handle seeing that dejected expression on his boyfriend's face again. He shudders just thinking about it. That had been a particularly painful moment.

Well, no point standing around and reminiscing, better head off to meet up with Andrew. Ryan leaves the office building, gets into his car, and drives off.

The journey is quick and quiet. Ryan opted not to turn on the radio so that he can think. If, let's just say, Ryan doesn't manage to break the stupid love spell, would it be all that bad? He certainly doesn't think so. If anything, this has been the best relationship he has ever been in. All his ex-girlfriends (and that one ex-boyfriend) had to leave after the relationship had so spectacularly crashed and burned.

But this is bad for Andrew, it's not fair to him. Ryan thinks about how he has been intentionally holding back the pace of their relationship. He really doesn't want to do anything that he doesn't have to before he manages to undo the spell, to minimize the damage. And there's always the worry that it would frustrate Andrew but he's been very patient thus far. Which only served to further exacerbate Ryan's already Grand-Canyon-deep guilt.

They've held hands and shared hugs but they have never even kissed. Not lips-to-lips that is. Though they _have_ cuddled, is that considered more intimate or no? Does it really matter? Point is, Andrew's a total gentleman and Ryan's an asshole. That should be reason enough to find a way to end this, Andrew deserves better.

Ryan pulls up to the parking lot behind the place where Andrew's waiting for him. He clumsily parks his car and gets out, making his way around the side of the building to get to the front.

Even from a long distance, Ryan can easily make out Steven and Andrew's chatting forms waiting in front of the building. They're conversing happily and Steven is suddenly doubling over in laughter. The sight gives Ryan a sliver of hope that his logical brain immediately shoots down. No way is it going to be that easy.

When Ryan comes within a few feet of the duo, Steven's face immediately sours. There it is, the one thing Ryan still has yet to get used to. It's been almost two months and Steven is still as crabby as ever.

"Catch ya later, Andrew." Steven mumbles and starts marching towards Ryan, there's a death threat visible in his eyes that makes Ryan feel a little uneasy and actually worried for his life. 

"Hey Steven, what's up?" Ryan asks, hoping to ease the tension but Steven merely pushes past him in silence. "Okay, good talking." Andrew approaches with a sympathetic look on his face.

"Sorry about him, he's been in a bad mood all morning."

"Really? He looks fine just now. I mean, before he saw me." Andrew's face scrunches up and Ryan knows he's hiding something.

"Um..." Andrew hums, his eyes dart away from Ryan, pointedly avoiding any sort of visual contact. Though Ryan has an inkling of what is up with Steven, he still wants an actual answer. 

"Why is he angry at me?" Ryan's mouth is once again jumping the gun and saying things against his will. At least this time it's saying what's actually on his mind, instead of the complete opposite of what he intended.

"He's not." It's so evident when Andrew lies, Ryan wonders why he even tries. Maybe he wants to avoid hurting Ryan's feelings but at this point, Ryan's pretty sure there isn't anything he can't handle. Things couldn't possibly get any worse.

"Drew..."

"I'm serious! He's not mad at you," Andrew tries to reassure him, but he's not buying it. "Don't worry about him, let's go eat!" Fine. Ryan makes a mental note to pursue this again at a later time. He gestures for Andrew to lead the way and he simply follows behind, and they end up at a pizzeria two blocks down.

After they take their seats, they order two regular pizzas, one pepperoni, and one pineapple-and-chicken. Ryan then excuses himself to go pee, damn the coffee.

How long can he keep this up? There's a mounting frustration within Ryan, and he's very afraid that if and when it becomes too much, that he will end up taking it all out on Andrew. Ryan's not proud of how bad he is at handling stress, which adds yet another ticking time bomb to the whole damn situation.

As Ryan's returning from the bathroom, he stops for a moment to simply watch how his boyfriend is looking out the window and admiring the view outside. He's so calm and oblivious to the chaotic nature of the whole state of affairs. When this thing is over and done, Ryan hopes that they can still remain friends but that might be pushing it a little. It'd be nothing short of a miracle if Andrew doesn't hate him. 

Ryan racks his brain to maybe find a way to appease Andrew, even if it's a bit premature. Oh yeah, he loves black pepper. Carefully glancing around, Ryan finds the right timing where no employee is watching, and grabs a handful of sachets of black pepper from behind the counter. There. He stuffs them in his pocket for later.

The waitress arrives at the table the same time as Ryan does, almost causing a collision. She apologizes while sheepishly placing down their food. Andrew waves away her apology kindly as Ryan slides into the booth. Immediately, he notices something's off.

"I thought you got pineapple-and-chicken..." Ryan asks after the waitress leaves.

"Yeah, but you don't like pineapple on your pizza, so I changed it," Andrew explains like it's that straightforward.

See, this is the thing with Andrew, he takes notice of all the little things that are important to the people around him. He puts others far before himself and even though he may not be the most physically or verbally affectionate person, he makes a tremendous effort to show that he cares through little actions like this.

They talk about their day as they ate. Andrew recalls a funny story about how Steven almost got them kicked out of one cafe when he inadvertently insulted the owner. It is not really that funny but Ryan laughs along anyway. The food disappears quickly thanks to Andrew's lack of self-control and before Ryan know it, they're done with lunch.

As they walk back to the car, Ryan brings up that he wants to do some quick shopping before heading back to the office. Andrew naturally offers to follow with, Ryan kinda hoped that he wouldn't since he's actually going to get the stuff he needed to perform the spell reversal. But the store is only a short drive away and along the route back to the office, and Ryan doesn't want to force his boyfriend to make his own way back. So he doesn't say anything about it.

Ryan swears that he can feel Andrew's eyes on him the entire ride but his peripheral vision dispels that notion. He's fucking losing his mind, that must be what's happening. After parking, they make their way to the store. Andrew reaches to intertwine their fingers together as they walked, and Ryan tries his hardest not to blush as his thoughts turn to fuzz. It's insane how something as simple as handholding is eliciting this sort of response from him.

Before entering the store, Ryan turns to Andrew, who loosens his grip but Ryan (for some inexplicable reason) finds himself still holding on.

"Actually, can you wait for me outside?"

"Oh, sure," Andrew replies with a nod and moves towards a bench by the roadside, and Ryan finally lets go of his hand. He finds it pretty strange that Andrew just accepts that without any questioning, but he's not about to question it either. So he steps into the store, and is overwhelmed by the scents of all the plant bits mixing together. There's a truckload of stuff on sale here, so hopefully they have everything he needs. He would hate to have to make another trip.

Ryan hurriedly dashes around the store to fulfill his list, not wanting Andrew to wait any longer than necessary. His boyfriend may have the patience of a saint but Ryan's not total asshole. When he approaches the cashier with an armful of jars and boxes, he raises an eyebrow at the sheer amount of goods, but makes no remarks as he rings Ryan up. Before leaving, Ryan double checks his shopping list on his phone to make sure he doesn't miss out on anything.

When Ryan walks out of the store, Andrew's squatted down and playing with a black cat. Oh fucking no. Instantly, Ryan's heart rate picks up, his eyes dart around looking for anything unusual. This has to be a sign, right? Where's the fucking witch?

There's nothing out of the ordinary around, which only makes him feel more anxious. Ryan takes a step closer to his boyfriend and the cat, carefully inspecting their interactions. The instant the cat notices Ryan's presence, it speedily takes off.

Andrew's immediate response is to futilely reach out after the cat, before letting his arm drop in disappointment. His shoulders are slumped, and Ryan can't tell since Andrew's back is facing him, but he imagines that he's pouting.

That thought is somehow amusing and draws a chuckle out of him, causing his boyfriend to turn his head. There it is, the pout. Seeing it for real only makes his laughter more intense. The pout on Andrew's face is quickly turned into a smile, as he stands back up.

"What's all that?" Andrew asks, gesturing to the overstuffed paper bag Ryan's holding.

"Just some stuff. Don't worry about it." Ryan thinks he's pushing his luck with this. He's not convinced that his boyfriend will let him get away with being so shady, especially not again in such a sort span of time but he gets no questions.

Wow, Andrew could totally be dating a serial killer and not know it. Guess it's a good thing for him that his boyfriend is merely a witchcraft-loving disaster gay with poor communication skills.

Ryan puts his purchase away in the trunk, before getting into the driver's seat. When they're at a stop light about five minutes away from the office, Andrew suddenly clears his throat and puts a hand on Ryan's knee.

"Ry?" And it instantly clicks in Ryan's head that what's about to follow is an important question. "You've been having nightmares?"

"How did-" Ryan turns in shock to look at his boyfriend, who's simply smiling back concernedly. It's a good thing they're currently stopped, Ryan can't even complete his sentence much less drive safely.

"Shane told me. Why didn't you say anything?" Andrew asks with a slightly hurt inflection, there's no blame in the tone of his voice, just worry. He's so sweet, how ever did Ryan manage to get a boyfriend like him? Oh, right. That.

"I didn't want to bother you," Ryan answers, scratching the back of his neck. And it's the truth even though it doesn't feel like it when the words leave his mouth. 

"You're never a bother," Andrew reassures him, giving his knee a gentle squeeze. He looks on thoughtfully before suggesting. "Would it make you feel better if I was there with you?"

"I guess..." This right here is why Ryan didn't want to tell Andrew about it. Because if he offers to sleep over, Ryan simply can't say no. He realizes that's one of his biggest weakness these days.

The light turns green and they're on the move again. Ryan silently prays that Andrew doesn't have anymore surprises up his sleeves, the last thing he wants is to cause a traffic accident.

_The last thing you want is for Andrew to get hurt._

"Then we'll go over to your place after work!" Andrew declares happily. Ryan is about to agree when he realizes that still needs to try the counter-spell. Obviously, he can't perform the damn thing with Andrew right there.

"Wait, wait... actually... Maybe a little later?" Ryan suggests, his voice is getting a little pitchy. Out of the corner of his eye, Ryan notices Andrew furrowing his brows in confusion. "Let me tidy up the apartment first."

"I can help with that!" Andrew offers enthusiastically. Why the fuck does he have to be so annoyingly nice? It almost makes Ryan feel bad about shooting down his offer.

"No! I... I feel bad having you clean up my messes," Ryan tries to reason, he wants to be a little more forceful about it but just can't bring himself to. "Oh. I remembered I still have some more errands to run later. I will let you know when I'm done? Then you can come over...?"

He hopes that Andrew doesn't get angry (highly unlikely) or suspicious (also not very likely but would be way worse). They're pulling into the office compound when the awkward silence is broken.

"Alright," Andrew finally says, over-emphasizing the 't' sound. "...but really, if you need help tidying your place, I'm more than happy to help."

"I know, I know... You're the best, Drew." Ryan hazards a glance at his boyfriend, only to find him blushing madly. The sight is making Ryan feel a little bashful himself. What's he supposed to do with the knowledge that he caused that response from Andrew?

They leave the car holding hands once again, and they slowly make their way back into their office building. As Ryan's luck would have it, the first person they run into is the truffle boy himself, Steven Lim.

"Niki's looking for you," Steven tells Andrew, bypassing greetings and completely ignoring Ryan's existence. Ryan is pretty sure he just made that up but doesn't point it out. Andrew merely nods at the statement, giving Ryan a kiss on the cheek before separating.

"See you later, Ry."

Ryan dumbly waves goodbye as he watch his boyfriend disappear, leaving him alone with Steven. He starts walking off, since Steven clearly isn't going to talk to him. But once again, this day simply seems to be full of surprises.

"Watch yourself, Bergara," Steven warns once Ryan has walked past him, stopping him in his tracks. Those are Steven's first words to him since forever, and Ryan finds himself preferring the silent treatment. He isn't sure what exactly Steven means but he doesn't intend on finding out.

"I will," Ryan replies curtly, not even turning around to look at him. If Steven gets to be rude, it's only fair that he does too. Without another exchange, Ryan stalks off to his desk, in a worse mood than when the day started. First he gets cursed by his own hand, and now Steven's apparently out for his blood? Not that he really considers it a curse to be dating Andrew, on the contrary, it's a real treat... once you look past all the deception and all the guilt he's feeling. No, the person who has been cursed is Andrew, being forced to put up with all of Ryan's bullshit. 

Fortunately, the rest of the work day flies by quickly as Ryan jumps from meeting to meeting. He is extremely thankful that his schedule leaves him too busy to worry any further about his situation. Soon enough, he's free from the clutches of work and finds himself back in his apartment, spell-casting ingredients in tow.

Okay, how does this go? Ryan pulls up the instructions on his phone and gives it a read, as he clears a space in the living room. Looks simple enough, it's only about as complex as the initial spell. If he managed that, he should be able to handle this. No problem.

Thirty minutes later, Ryan's lying on the floor, covered in essential oils and various plant parts, trying to catch his breath. Exactly like two months ago, the damn mixture fucking exploded in front of his face. He really should have anticipated it and been better prepared. He's currently dreading getting up to check if his eyebrows are still intact. Running his fingers across, it feels like they are but tactility isn't the best confirmation.

He's hoping that the explosion is a sign that the reversal worked, but there's this nagging doubt at the back of his mind that's telling him that his nightmare isn't quite over yet. Ryan slowly gets off the floor, and starts to clean up his living room, hiding all the magic-related items in a lockable cupboard. He takes a quick shower to clean off all the debris, before moving to work on the more mundane messes in other rooms. Once his apartment is satisfactory, Ryan texts Andrew and simply lies down on his sofa. He wanted to put on some Netflix but noted that it won't take his boyfriend long to reach.

If the reversal did work, will Andrew simply just stop loving him in like... an instant? Will he know what happened? What if he completely stops feeling anything for Ryan and wants to break up but gets really guilty about the sudden lack of interest? He was the one to make the first move. What if he feels bad about dumping Ryan so quickly that he doesn't do it but continues to pretend that everything is fine for like... a few more months or something? Shit. Ryan really didn't think this through. This could put Andrew in a really bad spot. Oh god, why didn't he figure out how to handle this earlier?

A couple of knocks on the front door pulls Ryan out of his downwards spiral. He takes a deep breath, this could be it, this could be the end of everything. He slowly shuffles to the door, but stopping a few inches away, afraid to even touch it as if it might explode. Carefully, Ryan takes a peek at the peephole and... yeah, it's Andrew. As expected. He doesn't look any different than before, no anger or confusion or anything. Okay, here goes nothing. Ryan opens the door and Andrew's smiling now, standing in the corridor with two shopping bags in his hands, and an overnight backpack hanging off his shoulders. Ryan mentally questions the latter, as Andrew has been over before and had left some of his clothes here.

Andrew steps into the apartment and greets his boyfriend with a kiss on the cheek like he so often does, and Ryan can't help but feel a twinge of disappointment. Maybe it takes a while for the reversal to take effect. Ryan finds that most of him is actually relieved that he has a bit more time to come up with a plan to deal with the fallout, assuming that the reversal worked, that is. The possibility of which is starting to seem less and less likely in his mind. Ryan's trying hard to stay optimistic but it's difficult.

"I bought some stuff we can cook with," Andrew points out happily, lifting the bags in his hands for effect. His choice of words make Ryan laugh, which is returned with a look of confusion and concern. 

"You mean stuff _you_ can cook with. I really don't wanna be burning down my kitchen," Ryan jokes, and it gets Andrew all giggly. While Ryan has never actually burned down a kitchen, he has had several close calls before. Which is the reasons why he mostly limits his 'cooking' to making popcorn, or reheating leftovers with the microwave.

"I could teach you how to cook..." Andrew points out, once more offering help to Ryan, who is, by this point, wondering if it will ever get old. Shaking his head fondly, Ryan relives Andrew of the bags and brings them to the kitchen counter. 

"We can make some salmon for dinner if you want. If not, you should put it in the fridge," Andrew calls out from the living room, where he's putting down his backpack. Ryan hasn't given any thought to what he wants to eat for dinner, so he simply goes along with the suggestion.

"Eh, salmon's fine." Ryan shrugs, just as Andrew enters the kitchen. He steps away from the counter to give Andrew some space to un-bag whatever items they needed. Andrew starts explaining what they (he) will be making, and what to do with each ingredient but Ryan's not really processing any of it. He just watching his boyfriend get to work on the meal. It's hard to say why but whenever Andrew starts explaining things, Ryan can't help but stay and listen, even if he has no idea what he's talking about. Andrew just has that quality that makes him seem like he has in-depth knowledge of a wide range of topics, like whatever he says holds a significant amount of importance.

Ryan watches in fascination as Andrew chops up the potatoes, talking about how best to cook potatoes, but it's one ear in and one ear out with Ryan. He's just nodding along mindlessly and it goes on for a few good minutes. Andrew suddenly points at something and then stops talking, taking a moment to frown at Ryan.

"Did you get that?"

"Andrew. I'm gonna be completely honest with you..." Ryan says as seriously as he can. "...I paid literally zero attention to what you were saying."

"I noticed." Andrew rolls his eyes and they both laugh. He forgoes whatever instructions he gave to Ryan, and opts to prepare the rest of the food himself. With the salmon filets covered in... whatever that sauce is, Andrew takes a baking tray out of the oven... Wait, when did he bake those potatoes? Andrew places the salmon on the tray and sticks it back in the oven. He then stands arms crossed, watching the food cook.

Ryan takes in the sight, an odd warmth in his chest cavity. Andrew looks so perfect, despite all that action, there's not a single hair out of place. Just fucking look at him, Andrew's such a fucking catch! Ryan's always known that but never explicitly thought about it. Anyone would be so lucky to be with him, it is unfortunate that he's stuck with Ryan in the meantime.

"I love you," Ryan suddenly blurts out without thinking and he freezes up, startled by his own voice. The heat in his chest suddenly burns upwards, through his neck and into his cheeks. What the fuck did he just say? Oh god, oh god.. Why did he say that? What the actual fuck!

Andrew is just as stunned, gaping like a fish out of water. Fucking hell. What has he done now? What the actual fucking fuck is happening? To Ryan's horror, Andrew recovers from the shock and starts smiling widely at him.

"I love you too, Ry." His voice is quiet, like he's sharing a secret just for the two of them.

Something in those words compels Ryan to take a step forward. There is a force pushing out from his chest like an urgent need, and Ryan's overwhelmed by this desire to kiss Andrew. Is this the spell at work? Is it affecting him too? Fuck! He had initially thought that Andrew's feelings for him was a side effect of the spell gone wrong, but if the spell did work correctly...

Oh shit. Oh fucking shit hell shit fuck.

The spell's meant to make two people fall in love _with each other_! So if the fucking thing did work and it's only Ryan's stupidity with the hoodie that caused a different outcome than he intended... That would mean that he's falling in love with Andrew. Fuck fuck fuck! NO!!!

Ryan feels himself lean in closer, Andrew doesn't seem to notice as he just continues smiling lovingly. Their bodies shift just a smidge closer but it doesn't feel like they moved themselves at all. Rather, it feels like the work of gravity. They keep getting closer and closer until they're basically sharing breaths. Andrew appears to know what's happening, probably better than Ryan does. His green eyes flicker down, and Ryan swallows nervously. This is not happening, this is not happening...

Fuck it! It's happening.

Ryan shuts his eyes and leans in. Their lips meet. There is a sudden surge of emotions running through him, both good and bad. But despite the dichotomy, every inch of Ryan's being is telling him that he wants this. He wants Andrew.

WHAT THE FUCK! ABORT ABORT ABORT! ABANDON SHIP!! The sirens and red flashing lights are going all out in full force inside Ryan's brain. But his body doesn't appear to give even half a shit as one of his hands fly up to cradle Andrew's jaw in his palm, fingers slowly brushing against the short and prickly facial hair growing there. Their lips move slowly and cautiously. Wow, Andrew's lips are even softer than they looked... Wait, no. Fuck! Stop it stop it stop it!

Ryan finally manages to pull away and the look he spots on Andrew's face simply crushes whatever panic he's feeling like it's a piece of paper, and tosses it away. Is this what love feels like? For once and just this once, Ryan lets himself fall into the moment, and enjoy what he has without any guilt. He's so sick of how his mind reproaches him at every turn. He needs a break from it.

He goes back in for another kiss and it doesn't take long for them to end up making out. Everything about this just feels so right to Ryan, well almost. There's a voice at the back of his mind that reminds him that this isn't real, but he merely pushes it even further back. It's incredible how Andrew manages to be gentle yet passionate at the same time, the way his fingers grip onto Ryan's bicep is so soft, but there's an unmistakeable energy underneath. 

The sound of a timer going off makes Andrew pull back, and Ryan whimpers involuntarily at the lost of contact. Hearing this, Andrew presses one more quick kiss onto Ryan's lips.

"We should talk about this later. But let's just eat now, okay?" Ryan can only nod in response, his voice has left him. Andrew takes the finished salmon out of the oven and starts preparing the plates. Ryan decides that it's probably best to wait for him at the dining table.

With his sense slowly returning to him, Ryan notices just how amazing the food smells. His stomach rumbles in agreement, the kissing had made him forget how hungry he is. Andrew shows up with the two plates, and as he places them down, Ryan notices that the food has been arranged in an aesthetically pleasing layout. A laugh escapees from his lips, he's so hungry that he could not care less about how his food looked but yet this seems to be important to his boyfriend.

They eat in mostly silence, occasionally dropping comments on the food. They're holding hands the entire time and it should be weird, since it leaves them with only one free hand each to hold their cutlery, but it just feels very sickeningly sweet instead. After dinner, they do the dishes together and it's all just so... domestic.

Once all that is done, they plop onto the sofa. With all the distractions out of the way, they can finally properly talk about what happened earlier. But Ryan doesn't want to talk, he just wants to enjoy Andrew's company, so he puts on some sitcom that he's watched a billion times over already.

The two men are huddled together, and Andrew is playing with Ryan's hair. While his boyfriend is actually focused on the show, Ryan merely eyes the screen, it's just a bunch of flashes and movement combined with some voices and laughter. Most of his attention is on how Andrew's holding him in his arms. He can't stop thinking about their physical contact, and every few minutes when the emotions overwhelm him, Ryan would steal a quick kiss from Andrew.

After a few episodes, Ryan's yawns have upped in frequency, so Andrew suggests that they go to bed. Ryan wants to argue that it's still pretty early but the weight of his eyelids stop him. While Andrew grabs his sleepwear from his bag, Ryan goes to wash up first. When he's done, he finds Andrew standing at one corner of his bedroom.

"Why is there a hoodie lying here?" Andrew holds up the piece of clothing that Ryan threw across the room that morning. 

"Uh... I don't know?" He silently prays that Andrew doesn't make any remarks regarding the ownership of the hoodie. He has no idea how he would answer that. Fortunately, Andrew merely folds it up neatly and places it on the seat of one of the chairs. It's Andrew's turn to wash up, and Ryan thumbs through his Instagram feed while waiting.

When they're both ready, Ryan turn off the lights and they climb into bed together. Again, Andrew is holding Ryan, and he has never been more content. For so many nights, Ryan struggled with his nightmares alone but now with Andrew here, he feels safer than ever. Maybe he won't have any bad dreams tonight. But even so, there are still some unsolved mysteries.

For one, Ryan noticed that Andrew fell in love almost immediately, the spell worked quick on him. But why did it take this long for Ryan? It doesn't make any sense, unless this isn't the spell at work. What if the situation is exactly what he had thought initially? What if...

What if he has actually fallen in love with Andrew?

Oh shit, that would be something. That would make it very difficult for him to break the spell, considering the heartbreak he will have to go through. But he has to do it, for Andrew's sake. He deserves so much better than Ryan. And as much as Ryan wants to keep things the way they are now, it is wrong, he has no right to force Andrew to love him.

His mind brings up the fact that he was very willing to do this for Shane and himself. How is this any different? Why was he so ready to make Shane love him, but is hesitant to do the same with Andrew? Why does he care so much about Andrew's emotions and autonomy?

Maybe he _is_ in love.

Looks like Ryan won't getting much sleep tonight either, so he admires the beautiful man he's sharing a bed with instead. Andrew has one arm across Ryan's chest and the other running somewhere under his boyfriend's neck. He's fast asleep, so peaceful and blissfully oblivious to the reality of their situation. Ryan wishes he could be as unaware.


	4. It

The city feels so different at night. They're walking back towards the hotel, exhausted after a long day of filming. Adam, Annie, and Rie went back early, while the two of them had wanted to spend a little more time exploring Tokyo. But after an hour of aimless wandering, they were ready to call it a night. Tomorrow's going to be another big day.

Illuminated only by the lights from the nearby establishments that have yet to wind down for the day, the duo meander through alleyways and smaller roads, navigating with distant familiarity of the location. Tonight is completely unlike the last. While they had been stumbling over each other before, giggling and pushing and crashing back together again. Right now, however, they move slowly in companionable silence, their proximity is still as intoxicating.

Their knuckles lightly brush against each other, and Steven's fingers twitch, aching to hold Andrew's hand in his own. It appears as though Andrew had read his mind, as he reaches out to hold hands. Steven looks down at their intertwined fingers in surprise. When he looks back up, Andrew is smiling warmly at him. That same warmth finds its way onto Steven's face, amassing at his cheeks.

They don't exchange any words but the look that they share is more than enough to communicate their mutual desire. Their footsteps pick up speed and before long, Steven is skipping down the path faster than Andrew can walk. Reaching the end of his tether, Steven turns around to frown at his tardy partner, invoking fond laughter. 

Flashing a smirk, Steven mischievously tugs Andrew's arm but with a little more force than he intended to, causing the other man to stumble and crash into him. Thanks to his quick reflexes, Steven fortunately manages to catch Andrew in his arms and stop them both from falling over.

Their faces are mere inches away, and there's just enough light for Steven to make out the glint of yearning in Andrew's eyes. With that, Steven pushes his fears away to go for what he had denied himself of so many times over. But before he can do anything, Andrew pulls away with a startle. His posture indicates shyness, and the light squeeze on Steven's hand says everything but 'no'.

Although the surge of bravery has faded, Steven knows himself well enough to know that it will return. Thus, he pulls Andrew forward once again, this time to continue the journey towards their much-awaited destination. Steven is not a patient man, but for Andrew he can be.

The hotel lobby is completely deserted save for the night shift staff. But despite the stillness of the room, stepping in feels like a breath of fresh air to Steven. Now Andrew is the one leading the way, dragging them towards the lifts. The ride up to their shared room is quiet, suspenseful, and charged with nervous energy.

When they pour out of the elevator, the air has turned electric. Steven's thumping heart is almost as loud as their hasty clambering towards the door. Their tense bodies press together as Andrew struggles with the lock, and when he pushes down on the handle, the door bursts open loudly from their combined weight. Steven's pretty sure it left a mark on the wall it slammed against but he doesn't care.

Once they have both made it in, Andrew clumsily kicks the door close, his hands too occupied with holding Steven's face. The want written all over Andrew has never been more evident, Steven hopes that the anticipation he sees is mirrored in his own eyes. Not that it matters, the emotions filling the room have never been clearer.

"Oh, Drew... I've waited so long for this," Steven says low and slow. There's a widening of eyes from Andrew that he didn't expect at all. It is followed up with a wide smile that he did expect. Like a slow dance, the two men take synchronized steps towards the nearest wall until the solid surface presses against Steven's spine.

_No, don't do this!_

"Me too, Steven." Andrew's voice is a few octaves lower than typical, it is so gruff that Steven can feel friction from the breath hitting his face. They're closer than they have ever been, and Andrew continues to keep breaking that record, his body advancing at a glacial pace.

_You can't..._

Steven's eyes unwittingly find their way towards Andrew's lips. The room rocks slowly, and the lights dim. The two men hover for a moment, lungs stealing air from each other's space. This is the tipping point, past this there is no return.

One final pause. One final look.

Their lips finally press together, in light tender contact. The sensation of the kiss feels so new yet so familiar. There is no spark, only a gentle and undying flame. Steven feels the heat emanating from Andrew's chest inside his own. Two hearts beat as one, finally pieced together again after an eternity of being apart.

_No... NOOO...! **FUCK!!!**_

Ryan sits straight up, heartbeat pounding in his ears, breaths haywire, and a painful twisting squeeze in his chest. He stares blankly ahead, trying to catch his breath. It's okay, it's okay... It was just another fucking nightmare. He brings a hand up to wipe away his sweat and... fuck, why is his face wet?

It then occurs to him that he's been crying. Actually, he is still crying. The revelation throws a wrench into his attempts to calm down. Why is he crying? Why the fuck is he _crying_?! Ryan squeezes his eyes shut and it only makes matters worse, more tears are streaming down his face.

It wasn't real, it isn't real...

Ryan tries to rationalize but no matter how hard he tries, the pain doesn't goes away. It doesn't even fade. His self-hatred keeps feeding him images from the dream. Images of Steven and Andrew holding hands, images of the man he loves kissing someone else.

_Andrew would be so much happier with Steven._

Ryan throws his head back onto his pillow, letting out a scream of agony. He knows it to be true, he has always known it but the matter of the fact is... he let himself get attached to Andrew, the one thing he wasn't supposed to do. Ryan scrambles to rationalize again, Andrew would never cheat on him. No, he wouldn't. There's no reason-

_You're not good enough for him._

No! Shut up! SHUT UP!! Ryan folds his pillow over his head, arms squeezing it into the sides of his skull. Trying hard to release the anger through force, as well as induce some pain, but his mind doesn't get any kinder.

_If he's cheating, you deserve it._

Ryan presses his eyelids shut with so much force that he starts seeing colors. His lungs ache from breathing too quickly and between them, his heart feels like it has no space to beat, no room to exist. The hot tears soak into the pillowcase, returning the heat to him through contact with his skin. He just needs to hear Andrew's voice again, telling him everything is okay.

He lets go of his pillow and reaches out for his phone but stops himself midway. No, he's not going to call Andrew, he's not going to be that crazy boyfriend. It's like midnight in Japan anyway, Andrew's phone is probably switched off. But goddamnit, Ryan _needs_ to know. He needs to know that it was just a dream and not a vision or whatever but he has no way of finding out.

Andrew would never do that to him, right? He wouldn't...

_They belong together._

Ryan hurls his pillow at the wall and kicks the covers off, limbs flailing about as if he's struggling against invisible restrains. Andrew _should_ be with Steven, he _should_ cheat on Ryan because Ryan is a fuckup who ruined everything for him. Is it still wrong if it's meant to be?

Fuck. Ryan shakes his head violently. What the actual fuck is wrong with him? That's crazy talk. It is wrong. It is wrong on so many levels. Nobody deserves to have their trust betrayed like that, nobody... not even him. He needs to get his mind straight.

Okay, let's start by review the facts:

  1. It was only a nightmare.
  2. Andrew didn't cheat on him.
  3. Andrew _wouldn't_ cheat on him.
  4. Ryan doesn't deserve to be hurt like that.



And last but not least, Ryan is completely and utterly in love with Andrew Ilnyckyj.

Oh fuck, that last fact is the real problem. Ryan rubs his puffy, soggy eyes, his breathing finally in order. But it's okay, he can do this. Today is a day like any other, he can get through it. He's done this before, he can do it again.

The moment his alarm goes off, Ryan gets up to take a shower without even meaning to. This is his reality now, he has been so sleep deprived recently that his body immediately kicks into autopilot mode every morning, as a means of self-preservation. If he stayed in bed all day, it will only make matters worse.

Once he steps into the shower and the water hits him, the tears return but they perfectly camouflage with the rest of the droplets rolling down Ryan's face. The sounds of his sobbing can barely be heard over the roaring of the shower. Fuck, he needs to get all this out of his system.

Ryan presses his back against one of the walls and starts sliding downwards until he's sat on the tiled floor. He wraps his arms around his knees and pulls his legs close to his chest. He sits in the perfect position for the nozzle to pelt his head with tiny liquid bullets.

_You did this to yourself._

People often say that screaming helps to relieve the pain, Ryan does exactly that but it does nothing for him, only making throat and lungs hurt more. His whole body is sore, and every single muscle aches (especially his heart).

The last three months have been hell. Ryan felt guilty about the deception back when he didn't feel for Andrew the same way Andrew had felt about him. But ever since he became aware of his own true emotions... things became so much worse. 

Not loving Andrew was bad, loving him is even worse. What the fuck is Ryan supposed to do? If he just continues like this and doesn't reverse the spell, the guilt will absolutely kill him from the inside. If he does undo it, he will lose Andrew forever. There is no possible good outcome.

_You don't deserve happiness._

He's been bad at hiding his problems too. Andrew has caught him completely breaking down on a few occasions. He didn't dare confide in his boyfriend, and every time Andrew tried to comfort him, it did the opposite and only made him feel shittier about himself.

With how he's been behaving, it truly is 'magical' that Andrew hasn't left him.

_You fucked everything up._

He did. But at this point he's way too used to that fact, and so is everyone else apparently. When Ryan arrives at work over an hour late, nobody says anything but Shane's smile is noticeably less bright than usual when he waves hello. Ryan settles in and start halfheartedly reviewing the edit of the upcoming episode. He can get away with paying less attention since this is True Crime and there isn't any evidence he needs to look out for.

Ryan feels trapped by his own mind and his own actions. But this is what he gets for meddling with his friends' lives. This was his own doing, now he has to live and die by it. He feels so helpless.

However, he does have one last plan. There is one more ritual he hasn't tried, it is said to be extremely potent but can only performed on a very specific day each year. And that day is today. It also requires two people. Ryan would have asked Andrew, who would probably be more than happy to assist, but he's in Japan.

So, right before work ends, Ryan enlists Shane's help without telling him too much. All he's willing to say is that they are filming a bit for Unsolved in the nearby woods.

"What exactly are we doing? And why didn't you want to bring the crew along?" Shane asks once they're on the road. He's fiddling with a GoPro mount that Ryan knows they won't be needing. "You're not planning on murdering me are you?"

"What? No!" Ryan swallows the lump in his throat, not quite ready to tell Shane his plans. He knows he can only buy himself so much time before Shane refuses to go any further. "It's just... a little... thingy."

"A thingy," Shane echoes in disbelief. Ryan sighs, he knew this was coming and yet... When is he going to learn his lesson and actually take the time to think things through?

"Okay, fine." Here goes nothing. "It's a little ritual thing that I want to do for the Supernatural season but there's only a very small time window for it."

"Which happens to be right now," Shane astutely points out. He glances over at Ryan happily, as if expecting to get a trophy for making such a simple observation.

"Yeah, it's only tonight," Ryan confirms. 

"And why is that?" Shane is now playing with the harness that they normally wear to attach their cameras to, attempting to untangle the mess of fabric as he pulls it out of his backpack. It's a good thing that Shane is distracting himself with other things, it would be so much harder for Ryan if all the attention was on him.

"The ritual requires us to channel the energy of the Hunter's moon, which only comes once a year," Ryan explains, almost word for word from the website he found the instructions on. A smirk immediately forms on Shane's face and Ryan can almost feel the quip taking shape.

"I wonder who else only comes once a year." Shane suggestively wriggles his eyebrows, and Ryan tightens his grip on the steering wheel to hold himself back from slapping Shane in the arm.

"Goddamnit."

"Not you, I presume. You and Andrew been..." Shane starts stroking his chin exaggeratedly. "...what do the kids say these days? Stacking the Pringles?"

"Nobody says that. Ever."

The matter of fact is he and Andrew have not done... y'know. Ryan has been very careful to make sure he put a stop to things before they got too heated. Great, now he's thinking dirty thoughts. Ryan feels the heat of embarrassment burning from his cheeks all the way to the tip of his ears. Thanks, Shane. Luckily it's dark out, and that the only form of illumination comes from the streetlights that are zooming past them.

Ryan realizes that he hasn't actually answered the question but prays that Shane doesn't.

"What's the ritual for anyway? What kind of demons are we summoning?" Shane presses his fingertips together like some kind of comic book villain, waiting to unveil his evil plan to take over the world.

"None of them! What the fuck." Demon jokes are some of Ryan's least favorite. Considering all the shit that has went down, getting possessed by a demon doesn't seem that far off. Which is fucking scary. "It's a cleansing ritual."

That is actually not a lie, since it is indeed technically a cleansing ritual, Ryan just didn't specify what kind.

"Are we cleansing demons?" Shane asks gleefully. Ryan just rolls his eyes, more for the dramatics than out of annoyance, that's just how their banters work.

"Shuddup, Shane." Naturally, Shane refuses to shut up, merely dropping the subject.

"Fine... but the crew? God knows we need help on these shoots." Shit. Ryan thought Shane glossed over that bit already. He tries to come up with a good excuse. Scheduling conflict? But he didn't actually ask the crew, and if Shane wanted to, he could very easily unravel that lie. Several moments of silence pass, Ryan starts growing uneasy and Shane looks concerned. "Ryan?"

"I just... feel judged enough by my own brain." Ryan doesn't know where his mouth pluck those words from but for once, he's thankful. "I don't need the entire crew making fun of me."

"Oh." Shane slumps a little in his seat, staring down at the harness in his lap. "Sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"It's fine."

Shane has nothing else to say after that.

Not long after reaching the forest/park, they managed to find a good spot to perform the ritual. It's not too far from the car park, seems deserted enough, and has a clear view of the moon. Shane actually helped to set up for the ritual, which more than surprised Ryan. Usually on shoots he only goes as far as getting the cameras in order, before staying out of the way and letting Ryan do his thing.

Shane lights the last candle as Ryan mixes all the ingredients in the bowl. They sit in a ring of lit candles, facing each other. Ryan's trying to decipher the instruction on his phone while Shane takes in his surroundings like a bored child.

"This is a lot like a seance but with a hundred percent less handholding," Shane muses, tugging at the grass and scratching the dirt with his fingernails.

"You sound disappointed by that," Ryan quips, eyes not leaving his phone's screen.

"Of course! I wanna hold hands, Ryan," Shane whines. Ryan wants to tell him to knock it off, that the cameras aren't rolling but... they are. Obviously, Ryan is going to delete all the footage later so there's no real point to recording, but Shane isn't going to fooled by a not-recording camera. "I wanna feel your soft, supple fingers on mine."

It's just a bit, Ryan reminds himself, Shane doesn't actually want to hold hands. But damnit, why is his heart racing again? Shane didn't mean anything by it and even if he did, it doesn't matter because Ryan doesn't feel anything for him. He's not supposed to, and he doesn't.

The burning flame of stuff in front of them flickers before suddenly growing vastly in both size and luminosity. It burns bright, cycling between colors for a few moments as Ryan watches in wonder, he's never seen anything quite like this before. It's evident from Shane's expression that he hasn't either. Then, as quickly as it started, the flames simply cuts out.

They should be done now.

"Do you feel cleansed? I didn't feel any cleansing action happening."

"Shane, I don't think you're supposed to feel anything." Ryan gets up on his feet, giving Shane an unamused frown.

"Then what's the point?" Shane seems genuinely curious, which Ryan didn't expect. He's normally very dismissive of such practices, or taking them as a form of entertainment. But Ryan merely releases a tired huff, not having the patience to explain. He starts putting out candles and packing up. Sensing that his question would be left unanswered, Shane begins to do the same.

This had better work, Ryan's tempted to give Andrew a call but he doesn't want to interrupt their filming over in Japan. And texting is out of the question as Ryan has no idea how to formulate questions that won't be taken the wrong way. The last thing he wants is for his boyfriend to think that he's trying to break up with him long distance over text, he doesn't want to hurt Andrew like that (or at all).

Ryan looks up at the orange-red moon, hoping that its energy is enough to break the damn spell. During the many hours of work, Ryan has slowly started to come to terms with the nature of his relationship. Their arrangement is merely temporary but outside of his nightmares and guilt-ridden breakdowns, Ryan can honestly say that it was one of the best things to happen to him. Which is why he has to end it, not only because it is the right thing to do but also because deep down... Ryan truly wants Andrew to be happy, even if it costs Ryan his own happiness.

Almost completely packed now, Ryan walks over to where Shane is disassembling the last camera setup, but he trips on the uneven ground. Shane notices and immediately drops the camera he's holding and leaps out to catch Ryan. They almost fall over. Ryan scrambles to stand up properly, his heart pounding from the sudden rush of adrenaline. They are standing extremely close together, and there's an odd look on Shane's face, one that Ryan can't quite decipher.

Then Shane leans right in and kisses him.

There is no spark. There is nothing. Ryan doesn't move, staying frozen in place. Shane continues kissing him but Ryan's mouth remains firmly shut, too shocked to move. What the fuck. What the fuck? Ryan quickly pushes Shane away, unable to process what just happened. Shane's eyes widen as horror distorts the rest of his features, the weight of his actions finally hitting him.

"I'm sorry! I-"

"FUCK YOU, SHANE!!"

Ryan throws a handful of fallen leaves at Shane, and makes a run for it. He has no idea why he's running, he has no idea _where_ he's running. He weaves in between the trees, doing his best to ignore the moving shadows around him. He then suddenly trips over a huge rock which sends him tumbling, and he falls into a small clearing onto his back. Deja vu.

This is it. This is how he fucking dies.

"Ryan! RYAN!!" Shane calls out from only a short distance away, Ryan silently prays that he doesn't get found but when the light of the moon gets blocked from him, he knows exactly why. "Ryan! Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Shane speeds over to his side and crouches down to check for injuries. Ryan angrily starts backing away, dragging his ass across the dirt while his legs are wildly kicking away. 

"YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, SHANE MADEJ!!" 

Ryan doesn't know if he's truly angry at Shane, he doesn't really feel it, but he knows he should. What Shane did... it is fucked up. But why did he have to do it then? Why couldn't he have done this five months ago, before Ryan's life turned upside-down from that stupid fucking love spell?

Five months ago, Ryan would have felt so happy and relieved to find out that Shane had feelings for him. But right now he only feels confused, upset, and sick. Ryan stops his thoughts for a moment to observe Shane, who remains frozen at the same spot that he was at when Ryan shouted at him.

He looks frightened, scared, and hurt. There are now tears running down his face. Ryan has never seem like this before, he watches a large droplet fall from the edge of Shane's jaw onto the ground. There is a nauseating twist in Ryan's gut, and a painful squeeze in his chest. Shane may have made a mistake but-... but what? Ryan doesn't know what to think of this.

Stifling a sob, Shane clumsily wipes his tears and speaks in an impossibly small voice, his words creak at certain points and it hurts Ryan's ears almost as much as it hurts his heart.

"I'm sorry, Ryan. I-... I never meant to fall in love with you."


	5. Spell

Look on the bright side.

Ryan find himself repeating that in his mind very often these days. He has never considered himself to be an optimist but hope is all he has left. Hope... and Andrew.

The one good thing about being an insomniac is that Ryan has more time to watch his boyfriend while he sleeps. The way his chest rises and falls, the way his eyelids flutter when he's dreaming, the way he sometimes mumbles Ryan's name and reaches out to pull him closer... it makes it so easy for Ryan to forget that none of this will last.

A sudden light punch to the jaw shakes Ryan out of his reverie. Damnit, Andrew. Ryan glares down at his boyfriend who was simply trying put an arm across his chest, finding Ryan's jaw first was a mere miscalculation that resulted from being fast asleep. Ryan's expression softens after a few seconds, he can't stay mad when he is too taken in by how beautiful Andrew looks even in the unflattering darkness.

Ryan leans and leaves a lingering kiss on the top of Andrew's head, while his fingers idly plays with his dirty blonde hair. It's still very early in the morning and Ryan just knows that he'll get bored soon. He could try and catch some sleep but he didn't want to wake his boyfriend up with bloodcurdling screams, not for the third morning in a row, and not when Andrew is still worn out from his Japan trip.

So instead Ryan slowly pry himself out of Andrew's grip, careful not to wake him up. When he climbs out of bed, Andrew starts stirring and Ryan stills. As expected, Andrew paws sleepily at the empty side of the bed, with Ryan's name on his lips. He stops a few seconds later, seemingly asleep again.

Ryan heaves a sigh of relief and quietly exits the bedroom. He contemplates making breakfast but it's a little early, the food will have gone cold by the time Andrew wakes. He looks around at the messy living room and decides that tidying up would be a better use of his time.

Andrew's usually the one cleaning up and his two-weeks-long absence has resulted in Ryan's apartment turning into a pigsty. Ryan thinks it would be good for him to pick up after his own messes for a change. He personally doesn't mind the state of his place but he just mainly doesn't want to trouble his already-tired boyfriend, who never listens to his objections. 

Once the apartment is in a presentable state, it's actually the perfect time for Ryan to start making breakfast. Again, Andrew's usually the one doing the cooking since Ryan can barely reheat leftovers without almost burning himself... But he thinks he's gotten too used to taking, and it's about time for him to give back. Andrew deserves so much better but in the meantime, Ryan will do his best to at least be a good-enough boyfriend.

Still not too confident about his cooking skills even after numerous lessons from Andrew (and Rie, whom Ryan has been secretly getting to coach him), Ryan decides to keep things simple. Scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, and coffee. He burns his fingers twice while cooking the bacon, and has to bite his tongue to stifle his yelps of pain. He doesn't want to wake Andrew earlier than necessary (and in such a rude manner too).

When he does goes to wake Andrew after setting the table, Ryan find his boyfriend on _his_ side of the bed, repeating his name over and over sleepily.

 _"Ryan, Ryan, Ryan..."_ Andrew's words are muffled thanks to him stuffing his face into Ryan's pillow. Ryan takes in the sight with a warm feeling in his chest, he walks closer to the bed and gently rests a hand on Andrew's shoulder.

"Over here, buddy."

Andrew's head pops up and his eyes fly open. He blinks confusedly for a few seconds before smiling warmly, face crinkling in joy. "Hi."

"Morning, Drew." Ryan sits down on the edge of the bed, ruffling his boyfriend's hair playfully. "I made breakfast." The sentence makes Andrew sit right up.

"You made breakfast?" Andrew asks with a cadence not unlike a child asking if they were going to Disneyland. He fails to hold back a yawn which makes Ryan chuckle fondly. "Best boyfriend ever."

Andrew jumps (yes, jumps) out of bed, holding Ryan's hand and dragging him along out to the dining room. They take their seats and Andrew immediately starts scarfing down his food, as he usually does. Andrew always eats so quickly that Ryan often wonder how he doesn't choke on his food more often. Maybe he's just really good at stuffing things in his mouth and _oh god_ that just put an image in Ryan's mind. The food! Focus on the food!

Ryan tries out each component of the meal he prepared and does a mini-review in his mind. The eggs are a little too salty, the toast is kinda burnt, and the coffee is way too diluted... at least the bacon is good. Ryan's almost embarrassed for presenting such a miserable attempt, and to Andrew no less, the man's been around the world and have tasted the best of the best (FOOD! Get your mind out of the gutter, Bergara). Though it is mildly amusing to watch Andrew pretend to enjoy his food just to indulge Ryan.

"I know it's bad, Drew," Ryan admits, his boyfriend merely raises an eyebrow without looking up. "You don't have to pretend to like it."

Andrew stops for a moment to take a glance at Ryan. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Ry. It's delicious," he replies nonchalantly with a shrug, before resuming stuffing his face.

Ryan yawns and then sighs, he's exhausted, from the lack of sleep and from the stress caused by the stupid predicament he put himself in.

"What's wrong?" Andrew asks. This has become a very common exchange between them these days.

The main worry on Ryan's mind right now is Shane. They haven't talked about what happened in the woods, and have barely spoken at all since. And people are picking up on it, not just people at work but also the viewers. The last two Postmortems have been beyond awkward and most of the comments are about their interactions rather than the content itself.

Ryan is already having enough problems with dealing with his problems in real life, he doesn't want to face all the people online who are talking about it nonstop. Which is why he has been avoiding using any of his social media accounts.

Naturally, Ryan mentions none of this to Andrew who (Ryan assumes) is blissfully unaware of all that shit because he doesn't really do social media. Instead, he tries his best to give a reassuring smile alongside his new catchphrase.

"I'm just tired." Andrew nods understandingly. They finish the rest of their breakfast in silence before preparing to head out to work.

One of the perks of having Andrew basically living with him, is that Ryan doesn't have to call an Uber every morning anymore. He's so sleep-deprived nowadays that he doesn't trust himself behind the wheel. He's driven tired before but the deep-seated exhaustion he faces now makes it way too dangerous.

Ryan yawns more times on the way to work than he is able to keep track of, the coffee did little to lift his energy levels. Andrew is appropriately worried about Ryan's health but nothing short of a witch can help him now, since sleeping pills actually made his nightmares worse. (Ryan actually couldn't make any sense of that, but he supposes it's the magic punishing him for trying to cheat the system or something.)

Nearing lunchtime, Andrew gets tied up with filming Eating Your Feed, so Ryan takes the opportunity to go consult a 'witchcraft expert' that he found online. The lady, Cassandra, runs a store downtown selling magical artifacts and the likes. Ryan has no idea how he managed to miss out on her shop during his earlier research sessions.

Damnit, he forgot the spell book at home. He doesn't have enough time to cab back home and then to the store so it looks like he will have to forgo it. When Ryan steps into the shop, he is greeted by an elderly lady who looks over at him kindly. 

"Hello. How may I help you today, dear?" Ryan walks closer and her eyes suddenly widen. He stops mid-step, wondering if maybe he should just turn around and leave. "You are troubled. By the matters of the heart."

"That was just a lucky guess," Ryan huffs. He's supposed to be the believer and not the skeptic but even _he_ has standards.

"No guessing, dear. I can see it in your aura." Ryan rolls his eyes at the reply. Oh great, now aura-reading is a thing too? What's next? Is a unicorn going to burst through the door with a song and dance? "You fear that the love of your life may not truly love you."

Okay, maybe that's a little too on the nose for it to be a guess. Ryan supposes he could put his skepticism aside for a bit, maybe she can actually help him.

"Yeah, there may have been some sort of... 'influence' put on my, um..." Ryan can't believe he's blushing, for some reason he can't bring himself to say 'my boyfriend', as if this old lady is going to judge his sexuality or something. He gestures widely instead of trying to complete his sentence but it seems like Cassandra understands him perfectly.

"I wouldn't worry about that. Love is immutable," she remarks sagely, if not a little vaguely

"I... don't get it."

Cassandra waves her hands around, gesturing animatedly as she explains. "Love is an unwavering force. It has its tides just like the sea, and like the sea... it is a force of nature in its own right." What is she talking about? Is this some sort of riddle he needs to solve? He doesn't have time for that.

"I still don't get it."

Cassandra sighs and chuckles patiently. "Then let me spell it out for you, dear... You. Can't. Force. Love. Once it is, it is." Okay, this isn't helping. What the hell does she mean by that? Like, what? The fucking spell is unbreakable? Well shit. He didn't even think about that, maybe that's why the book didn't makes no mention of reversal methods... because there are none.

Ryan crosses his arms and examines the shopkeeper to see if she's genuine. Honestly, he's not the best judge of people. If only Andrew were here, he's much better at telling if someone is lying. Shane, on the other hand, will dismiss everything as lies if it isn't in line with his worldview.

"Sorry if it's offensive but... I'm not sure if I believe you."

"Don't worry, dear, I'm used to it." Cassandra waves dismissively. "Nobody believes me," she mumbles sadly under her breath. Ryan does feel a little bad for her, and he also feels like it would a wasted trip if he didn't get anything but words of advice. And seeing she's an alleged expert of this field, her advice should be worth something substantial.

"So isn't there anything you can sell me that can help...?" The lady ponders for a moment and then hurries her way behind the counter.

"I do have... an amethyst charm that can help with your nightmares." She pulls out a necklace with a beautiful purple gemstone on it.

Ryan's eyes widen so much that he can almost feel his eyeballs pop out of their sockets. He didn't mention anything about his nightmares! This woman must be legit. And wow, the sight of the charm is actually rather calming. Weird. Ryan carefully receives the charm from Cassandra, giving it a once over.

"Do I have to wear it on my person all the time, or?" Ryan can't imagine himself wearing this everywhere he goes. Sure, it looks beautiful, but it is also huge and will invite a lot of questions that Ryan is not equipped to answer.

Cassandra shakes her head amusedly. "Just leaving it by your bedside when you sleep will do." Ryan can't stop staring at the gemstone, it's truly hypnotic. Even if it doesn't help, it would make for a nice little decoration.

"Okay, so how much is this?"

"It's on the house, dear, just make sure you cherish your love. I can tell from your aura that they are making you very happy." Oh dear god, why does she insist on putting sappy thoughts in Ryan's mind? "Looks like a keeper to me."

"He is... but I..." Ryan shakes the thought out of his mind, there's no point talking about that right now. "Thank you so, so much."

He says his goodbye and leaves the store in a far less shitty mood than when he entered. Even though he really thinks he should be depressed as fuck, since he was literally just told that there is no way out of this hell.

Ryan takes a cab back to the office, somewhat happy but also very nervous. He is still feeling conflicted about how not-conflicted he feels about the whole thing. Which makes no sense whatsoever. And when he's not making sense to even himself, something must be horrifically wrong. 

Just as Ryan is walking back to the office building after exiting the cab, Steven walks by him and aggressively slams him with his shoulder. What the fuck? Ryan turns around to shout at him, he has completely run out of patience for this bullshit.

"Okay, what the _fuck_ is your problem, Steven?"

In a flash, Steven roughly shoves Ryan against the brick wall and has him pinned down. He has his right forearm across Ryan's neck, pressing down forcefully and making it hard to breathe. His other hand then punches the wall right to the side of Ryan's head. The deafening crash makes Ryan flinch, pushing his throat against Steven's arm, and causing him to gag. 

Steven looks ready to murder, and Ryan is quite frankly fearing for his life. He tries not to look into Steven's dark, stormy eyes because it scares him, but it's neigh impossible to turn away with the way that Steven is restraining him.

"If you ever _ever_ hurt Andrew, I will _fucking_ murder you, Bergara."

Steven doesn't swear, he never swears. Ever. To hear him actually say 'fuck' (and with such anger too) is more than just shocking. It chills Ryan to his bones and sends his heart into overdrive. He's sweating and hoping not to die but he attempts to not look too disturbed, not wanting to look like a massive coward. He's failing miserably at it.

Then, as quickly as before, Steven lets go of Ryan and stomps off. Well that was unexpected, and very much not needed. Ryan rubs his throat gingerly, wondering if there's a bruise forming. It's pretty likely. He takes deep calming breaths and tries hard to forget what just happened.

Wow, there's actually a giant crack on the wall where Steven made his point. Ryan shudders to think what would have happened if Steven went for his head instead. A cold chill runs down Ryan's spine. Yikes.

As if it wasn't bad enough that Andrew's life is at stake should their relationship fall apart...

...now his own life is on the line too.


	6. Me

Ryan forgets how talkative Adam can be.

Adam had inexplicably invited him out for breakfast this morning and well... they never hang out just the two of them, so the invitation came as a huge surprise. Right now, Adam's going on and on about houses and real estate, and Ryan's barely paying any attention.

He has a lot on his mind, and his only priority these days is to try his very best not to fail at his relationship. Ryan still haven't found a good birthday present for Andrew, which is currently the main source of stress for him. Oh, that's right, it's Andrew's birthday soon, maybe that's why Adam invited him out.

By this point, they have actually finished their food and are just sitting around chatting. Well, Adam is chatting, Ryan is simply pretending to look engaged.

"Hey, you wanna go shopping?" Adam suddenly asks. Ryan's briefly confused but then he quickly catches the subtext.

"You haven't got him a gift either, have you?" Ryan replies with a question of his own and a smirk on his face. Adam simply tilts his head to the side, throwing a dazed look at Ryan. Gee, feigning ignorance when your subtlety failed, how original. "...for Andrew's birthday?" Ryan reminds him, rolling his eyes for good measure. Adam actually manages to look a little surprised.

"Oh shit, I almost completely forgot." Ryan laughs at the response he got, he doesn't buy Adam's lie, not one bit... but he'll act like he does. Adam looks on thoughtfully for a moment before suggesting some places they could go to look for potential gifts.

The first two locations are a bust, they don't spend much time in either place but they don't need to. The instant Ryan steps in and take one glance, he can see that they don't have anything good enough or interesting enough for Andrew. So it's on to the third store. As they are walking over to the next place, Adam pipes up.

"You know, when you two first started dating, I wasn't really sure if it would last but now..." Adam trails off with a grin. Ryan frowns. While he didn't think it would last this long either, he is still hoping to find a way to break the spell/curse/whatever. "You look like you disagree."

"I'm just... scared."

"Scared? Why?"

"I feel like this whole thing is a fluke... Andrew never had a thing for me and I'm scared that one day I'll wake up and all of this is over." It's true, he's equal parts afraid of losing Andrew and afraid that he doesn't find a way out of this. Even though they have been together for almost a year now, Ryan just feels like it shouldn't be happening, like the end is near... even though the damn spell is supposed to assure him that it will never happen.

Ryan reminds himself every single day that if he didn't do that stupid-ass spell, he probably would never have developed any sort of feelings for Andrew. Or is his feelings an actual result of the spell? Ryan doesn't know which version of the story he believes in anymore. His mind keeps coming up with new ways to rationalize the whole thing, he's lost track of what's what. Meanwhile, Adam's looking at Ryan like he just admitted that ghosts aren't real.

"What are you talking about? Andrew has had a crush on you since forever! I think it was since you joined as an intern." Adam looks so genuinely shocked that Ryan doesn't know this, as if it is a universally known fact. Ryan, on the other hand doesn't think it is obvious at all. "He's been making advances on you for years! How did you not notice?"

"I don't know...?" In all their years of friendship, Ryan never really saw Andrew as anything more than a work friend. Well, Andrew was always willing to drop everything just to listen to Ryan's problems, but Ryan thought that it was just Andrew being Andrew. 

Now looking back, Ryan is starting to see that they had been more than just work friends, easily. All their interactions went way deeper than the superficial. Andrew was one of the first people at work that Ryan came out to, and quite honestly, Ryan thinks that he would have trusted Andrew with his life even back then.

Wow, Andrew truly is too good for Ryan.

"Alright, to be fair, he was pretty subtle... but only because he was afraid that you wouldn't be interested..." Adam keeps rambling on but he has turned into background noise to Ryan. There are million thoughts running through his mind, brought on by the revelation, but two in particular stand out.

 _"You. Can't. Force. Love."_  
_"Andrew has had a crush on you since forever!"_

Then the gears click.

If Ryan is interpreting this correctly... you can't force love, which means you can't force people to fall in love! Which means the spell was a fucking dud! Which mean he can stop feeling shitty about wasting Andrew's time because he no longer has to! He can actually break up with Andrew!

Yes, it makes sense! Andrew didn't suddenly become interested in Ryan, he had always been, Ryan was just too fucking dense to notice. Oh thank fucking god, his hell is finally over! He doesn't have to worry about accidentally killing Andrew, he can finally let go of Andrew and let him move on with his life!

"Yeah, it's actually pretty adorable," Adam says in response to his wide grin.

The third shop proves to be fruitful, as Ryan finds a collection of accurate replicas of old maps, with locations of major historical events outlined. Andrew is going to love it, Ryan just knows. He leaves the gift with Adam for safekeeping when they part, he doesn't want Andrew to find it and ruin the surprise.

It's a good thing he did that because the very first thing that happens when Ryan opens his apartment door, is Andrew jumping out to hug him.

"You're home!" Andrew is clutching him tight in his arms, contentedly rubbing his face into Ryan's chest like a cat, before energetically popping his head up. "I made tacos!"

Andrew's smiling so widely and happily, his bright green eyes so captivating, that Ryan finds the only appropriate response is to lean down and kiss him. The kiss is shaky as Andrew starts giggling almost immediately. Their teeth bump together and Ryan has to pull away, one hand covering his lips while he's laughing at the pain.

His eyes leave Andrew's face for a split second and he immediately notices the new addition to his living room.

"Oh my god, is that a giant Paddington?!"

Ryan tries to run over to it but fails miserably as Andrew is still holding onto him, and they fall over in a pile of giggles. Once he recovers from the fall and the laughing fit, he dashes over to the living room, squealing in excitement.

"I thought you might like it," Andrew remarks from behind and Ryan nods fervently.

"I love it!" Ryan turns to answer Andrew who is... still sprawled on the floor. Seeing this instantly sparked concern inside Ryan as he dashes back to Andrew's side doubly quick. He worriedly checks for any signs of injury. "Drew? Are you hurt?" 

"I'm fine! Just... giddy from laughing so hard." Andrew looks up at him and Ryan can just feel himself melt. He could stay here all day and just stare at Andrew but that's not a very nice thing to do, so he instead carefully helps Andrew get back up on his feet.

"I know it's a little early to be celebrating our one year anniversary but I just couldn't wait," Andrew explains with a sheepish look on his face that Ryan wants to kiss the fuck off. He is so fucking sappy. Then it registers in Ryan's mind a few seconds late that it totally explains why Adam had so randomly invited him out for breakfast.

"Oh my god, that's why-" Ryan can't believe that he didn't catch this earlier. "You got Adam to distract me!"

"And it worked." Andrew shrugs with a grin. He takes Ryan's hand in his own and tugs him towards the dining table. "Come on, let's eat before the food gets cold."

Ryan is drooling just looking at the food, and the moment he takes his first bite, he completely forgets about the looks. These tacos taste fucking a-maz-ing, where the hell did Andrew learn to make these?! Ryan's producing some oddly sexual noises as he eats, noises that he would normally be embarrassed about but right now he doesn't care, right now he is in taco heaven.

He is absolutely demolishing the tacos. For the first time ever, he's actually eating faster than Andrew. Which isn't a cause for concern normally but Ryan now notices that Andrew hasn't even finished his first taco. Something's wrong.

"Ryan?" That's it. That's the 'important question' voice that Ryan has gotten so attuned to. Andrew speaks much more quietly than usual, his voice is shaky and immediately a million horrific scenarios pop into Ryan's mind. "We've known each other for like, what, five years? And I never thought that we would... you know, be here together right now."

"I know it's totally crazy because we've only been dating for a year but..." Andrew reaches across the table to gently squeeze the back of Ryan's hand. "I just feel like what we have is so perfect." Andrew lets go and leans back to his side of the table. "And I know that..." Andrew stands up and nudges his chair back. "...I am sure that..." Andrew puts his right hand in his pocket and steps forward to the side of the table. "...I want to be with you..." Andrew slowly lowers himself onto one knee. "...for the rest of my life so..." Andrew takes his hand out of his pocket and holds up a simple silver ring between his fingertips, with a loving smile on his face and a hopeful look in his eye.

"Ryan Bergara, will you marry me?"

Ryan's mind shorts out as his two worlds collide.

 _This is the best thing that has ever happened to you._  
_This is what true love feels like._

_You don't deserve Andrew._  
_You are not nearly good enough for him._

_If you love him, say 'yes'._

_If you love him, let him go._

_You didn't force him into this, he wants to be with you._  
_This is all for real!_

_You wanted out of this since the very beginning._  
_Now you finally have the chance._

_You may not have had feelings for him at first but you do now._  
_You love him and he loves you._  
_You deserve to be happy._

_Look at you, you're fucked up!_  
_You need to let Andrew move on, and let him forget all about you._  
_The way he should._

With every passing second, Andrew's smile falters a little more until it's completely gone. A mere hour ago, Ryan was so certain that he wanted to end his relationship with Andrew so that they can both move on from it... but now he's not so sure.

He doesn't know what he wants.

"I... I..." Ryan feels tears welling up in his eyes, the cognitive dissonance is inducing anxiety. He draws a shaky breath and swallows drily, afraid to blink and let the tears fall. "Drew... I really really want to..."

"But?"

"I don't-" He doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know what to think. "I don't think I'm ready."

"Oh." Andrew actually looks more relieved than upset. He brings his arms down and pockets the ring. As he slowly straightens and stands back up, Ryan leaps out of his seat to pull him into an embrace.

"I'm sorry..." Ryan finally release the tears, he tightens his hold on Andrew, too scared to let go. He's so afraid that he has fucked it up for good this time. Why is he so stupid? Why did he think he could let Andrew go just like that?

"Hey, no. It's okay, I understand." Andrew tries to soothe him, rubbing circles into his back, returning the embrace but gently, with only a fraction of the force. "I kind of jumped the gun there." Ryan simply shakes his head aggressively. No, this is _his_ fault.

"I'm so so sorry..."

"Ry, babe. There's nothing to apologize for." No, there is so much he has to apologize for. Here Andrew is, preparing this surprise, all ready to spend the rest of his life with Ryan. And there Ryan was, thinking of himself only, all ready to break up with Andrew.

"I love you, Andrew. I love you so so _so_ much, but I just-..." Ryan chokes on that last word, he doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how he can even begin to explain this entire fucking bullshit situation to Andrew.

Ryan thinks back to the moment when he figured out that the love spell was bullshit. He was so fucking ready to end things with Andrew that he was actually smiling and laughing! Was he fucking delirious? Why was he happy about that?

Sure, he has been feeling trapped and helpless about his situation for the longest time. And yeah, being stuck in a relationship that he felt unworthy of for almost an entire year really did a number on him, but it also been some of the best times of his life.

Ryan never thought that he could be that happy with anyone. He and Andrew are like polar opposites but they compliment each other so well. They would take each other out to experience new things, exchange interests, and learn stuff. Andrew is just so perfect that, for the first time in Ryan's life, he could see himself growing old happy. Around Andrew, Ryan finally felt safe. Andrew is so good to him and so good _for_ him.

But the two halves of Ryan's mind still refuse to reconcile. There's still a voice at the back of his mind telling him that this is the time to break free, but...

Fuck. What is he supposed to do?


	7. Let

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** I have not yet proofread this chapter because I'm tired as zzzZZZZZzzzzZZ

There are two Ryans.

The one who is trying to end his relationship, and the one who is trying to save it.

Right now, he has no idea who's in control.

"That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds," Andrew finally says after a long silence. He's holding his head in his hands, eyes wide, brows furrowed, and just generally looking frazzled.

Ryan had just recounted the whole fucking tale to his boyfriend, from the very start with the damn spell book... to his train of thought during the proposal last month. He has no idea what brought it on, nor does he have any idea where he found the courage to do so. Though Ryan did conveniently leave out the part about Shane kissing him in the forest, he may be putting himself up for judgment but he's not willing to drag Shane's name through the mud even though the kiss was a thing that did happen. He also skipped over Steven's, uh... slightly harsh warnings.

"Actually, I think I've been talking for the last ten minutes..." Ryan squeaks as he fidgets about nervously, the bed shifts with his movement. His stomach is growling ferociously, demanding breakfast but Ryan's more concerned about his heart, which feels like it is about to fucking explode.

"Oh, I know... but the last thirty seconds, oh my god." Andrew sits up a little straighter, still frowning, still refusing to making eye contact. He takes a few deep breaths that Ryan feels himself needing more, that was a lot of information to give in thirty seconds.

"Are you... mad at me?" Andrew doesn't look angry but Ryan feels like he needs to ask, even if he's afraid of the answer he might get.

"No, no...?" Andrew finally looks at him, facial expression a little more relaxed now. "No. No, I'm not. I'm confused, and worried, and... and confused." He looks blankly ahead again. "Yeah, I am very confused." Andrew pulls his legs up to his chest, resting his head on his knees, a contemplative expression on his face. "So... the only reason you didn't reject me... when I asked you out... was because you think... that because of the spell... that it might, I don't know, kill me?"

"Sounds stupid when you put it that way but-"

"I wasn't trying to make you sound stupid, Ry. I was just... trying to understand your point of view," Andrew explains, sounding mildly insulted that Ryan thought he was making fun of him. He then leans back against the headboard, stretching his legs out again. "Honestly, if I were you in that situation, I'd probably would have done the same."

"I thought you didn't believe in magic," Ryan queries, feeling a little more at ease about the situation. Maybe Andrew won't end up hating him after all.

_You still haven't told him about Shane._

_Not now._

"I don't, but only because I haven't seen any solid proof of it. I would love for magic to be real." There's a twinkle of amusement in Andrew's voice that melts away more of the tension that's holding Ryan hostage.

"Oh my god, you sound just like Shane," Ryan whines. Oh fuck, he didn't actually want to say that, but Shane has been prancing about in the forefront of his mind for the last few minutes, so much so that those words simply spilled out. But Andrew doesn't seem to feel anything against the mention of Shane's name.

"The man makes good points." Andrew ponders on for a moment before resuming with the important subject matter at hand. "Okay, but seriously... you just took some random old lady's word for it? You didn't question her further?" Ryan doesn't have a good answer for that, he supposes he was a little too trusting there. Andrew abruptly shakes his head. "Actually, you know what? Never mind that, don't answer... because I don't care about what happened."

"You... don't?" Fuck, now Ryan is scared again. What does he mean by that? Is he going to-

"I don't. None of it matters, Ryan. Because all of that is past. All I need to know is, right now, what do you think and how do you feel? Do you..." Andrew looks away suddenly, seemingly embarrassed. "Do you love me...?"

Ryan's eyes widen, is he fucking kidding? "Of course I do, Drew. I love you. I'm sure of it, I am so fucking in love with you, you have no idea. But..." Ryan glances down at his hands, unsure of how to properly continue. 

"But?"

_Go on, tell him._

"There's always that little voice at the back of my mind, I know it's stupid and I should't listen to it but, it keeps telling me that we shouldn't be together, that I'll never be good enough for you. And I think it might be right."

There's a small gasp from Andrew and he looks as if those words had physically hurt him. Ryan did subconsciously expect his boyfriend would react this way but it didn't make the sight any easier to take in.

"Ryan... Please don't ever feel like you're not good enough because you are, you are more than good enough." Andrew's voice is shaky, he sounds like he's on the verge of tears. If he started crying, Ryan feels like he might start too. Turning his entire body to face Ryan, Andrew carefully brings a hand up to slowly stroke his lover's cheek. If it were possible, Ryan would freeze time and lock himself into this tender moment forever. When Andrew speaks, his tone is more even but still comes off as incredibly fragile. "You are so so perfect. I love you, Ryan, and I want you to love you too."

Oh fuck, Ryan is fucking crying now. What the fuck. Andrew gently brushes away a tear on Ryan's face, while his own face is being streaked by his own tears.

"But if you truly think we shouldn't be together, I respect your decision." What? Every single time Ryan had pictured this scenario going down, Andrew would always fight him on this, he would get so upset and angry and hurt and insistent that they remain together. This wasn't what Ryan had expected at all. "I just hope that you can see just how amazing of a person you are, and that what we have here... is just as amazing."

Fuck fuck fuck! "I... I don't know what to do, Andrew..." He really doesn't, he had been so prepared to be screaming and yelling over this that now he's just... lost.

"I can't tell you want to do..." Andrew pulls him into a soft embrace. They slowly sway to the side, and Ryan can't help but shut his eyes and bury his face into Andrew's shoulder, sobbing loudly and unsteadily. "...but no matter what your choice is, just know that I will always be here for you, okay?" Ryan nods silently, not knowing any good words to respond with.

The journey to work is unusually quiet, and seems to drag on forever. Andrew keeps glancing over worriedly at Ryan in the passenger seat, but Ryan remains fixated on looking out the window. Everything is now out in the open and Andrew already said that he doesn't care what happened, so it shouldn't feel this awkward but it does. Is this really going to be it for them?

_Not everything is out._

When Ryan approaches his desk, Shane doesn't look up to greet him. This should be disturbing to him except it isn't... this is their new normal. Ryan had made several attempts to talk to him about the thing that happened in the forest. But Shane refuses to have that conversation, insisting that it's fine, that he understands, that Ryan didn't owe him anything.

It's been several months of this, and Ryan is just so tired of it. They need to talk, it's long overdue. Ryan had set up a meeting for the Unsolved crew last week, then told everyone but Shane that it's cancelled. He intentionally left it up on their shared calendar so that Shane wouldn't know. It's stupid that he needs to resort to this kind of trickery just to get some one-to-one time with Shane but hey, whatever it takes.

But for all that has been uncomfortable between them, the cup of coffee that Ryan finds on his table every morning is a reminder that Shane still cares. Even if it was a habit from back when Ryan had trouble sleeping, Shane making him coffee every single morning without fail must mean something, because he could have so easily stopped doing it and Ryan wouldn't have made any remarks.

Before the time comes around, Ryan decides to head off to the meeting room early, and even though Shane is sat right beside him, he doesn't bother to invite him to tag along. He'll probably just tell Ryan to go ahead first, so why even bother? Ryan just waits around in the room, trying to gather his thoughts and plan out what exactly he wants to say to Shane.

Not even two minutes after Ryan sits down, Shane waltz in with his laptop and a cup of water. He makes a puzzled face before taking a seat next to Ryan. "I know it's a little early but where's everyone?" Ryan ignores his question and get's straight to the point.

"We need to talk."

Shane looks taken aback for a short moment before frowning. "We really don't." He crosses his arms and leans back in his chair. "There's nothing to talk about." Oh goddamnit, why can't he just talk things through like a normal human being?

"Stop it, Shane. You know things are... weird between us." Ryan tries not to lose patience and get too snappy, if he pushes too hard, it will only cause Shane to shut down the conversation before it can even properly begin. "We can't keep avoiding this."

"I have no idea what you are talking about, Ryan. You're going to have to be more specific."

"Shane," Ryan grumbles warningly.

"Okay, fine. I'll talk." Shane throws his hands up in defeat. "I stepped out of line, you have every right to be angry at me and hate me. That's it!" He slams both his palms on the table to punctuate his point. "End of story." Again, Ryan tries not to get to snappy.

"No, Shane... not end of story. I'm not angry I-"

"You should be."

"Shane!"

"I'm just sayin-"

"SHANE!!"

" **I AM TRYING TO FUCKING MOVE ON, RYAN!!** " Shane leaps out of his seat, glowering down at Ryan who instinctively have his arms up for protection. Seeing this, the anger in Shane dissolves and he drops back down into his chair, his voice growing unbelievably small. "I'm trying to move on... You are with Andrew, I know. I can see how happy he makes you. And I'm happy for you but it's just so hard..."

"Oh." Right, fuck. Ryan was so caught up in how uncomfortable things have gotten for him that he completely neglected to consider Shane's feelings. He had been rejected in such a harsh manner, and oh god, Ryan didn't think he could be so heartless. 

"I'm just trying to move on with my life, I even... I even started dating again..." Shane says shakily with a shrug, as if it's something that he shouldn't be proud of. "I can handle this I just... need some time."

"I want you to be happy too, you know that right, Shane?" Ryan tries to reassure him but Shane is pointedly looking away. "And I'm really really _really_ sorry about the way I... I reacted to... your... well..." He kinda did overreact back then, looking back, Ryan could barely recognize himself in his own memories. 

"You don't have to apologize for that, I was the one who was out of line."

Ryan wants to counter that statement but he knows that if he does, there's going to be an endless back and forth, so he leaves it at that. Instead, he focuses on what's important. "I hope that we can go back to being friends like we used to."

"We _are_ friends, Ryan." Shane points out, his tone is confident but his next sentence is noticeable less so. "We will always be friends, right?"

"Right. Always." Ryan wants to hug Shane but thinks maybe it would be a little inappropriate or perhaps it could make Shane feel uncomfortable, so he settles for a friendly pat on the shoulder.

And... now comes the awkward part. Strictly speaking, Ryan doesn't have to talk about this but he feels like he should. It's like the first step to being normal around Shane again.

"So you're... seeing someone?" The question appears to have caught Shane off guard, he makes several failed attempts to start his sentence. Ryan is about to tell him that it's fine if he doesn't want to talk about, but Shane finally got his words in order.

"Yeah, kind of... yeah." Shane nods a little, his words are little draggy and unsure. "I'm seeing someone, yeah."

"Cool, cool... How are they?" Ryan thinks he should definitely abort this mission but apparently he still hates himself and now he's dug a little too deep to just end it here. "Are they... good?"

"He's a cool dude, uh... Likes food, traveling, and um... he's nice, yeah." Shane's nodding picks up intensity, then he stops to add, "he's a good egg." Then frowns at his own odd choice of words.

"Sounds good. Yeah, maybe you can introduce us someday." Ryan does nothing to stop the nodding pandemic. Shut up, Bergara, just shut up already.

"Sssuuuuurreee... yeah, maybe someday," Shane replies, all (fake) smiles. Ryan can feel himself cringing on the inside, yeah looks like _that_ is never gonna happen.

"Okay, okay. Cool." Ryan nods along as if this isn't awkward at all.

"Cool." Shane mimics him. Wow, this is a fuck lot of awkward nodding. Shane then stands up and points to the door with both index fingers. "I should go..." He picks up his laptop and cup and leaves the room in a hurry.

That could have gone better, but it could have gone so much worse too so Ryan's just gonna have to take what he can get. But if the weirdness between them persists, he's gonna have to drag Shane into another one of these talks and oh god, it's gonna be bad. A sudden voice interrupts Ryan's train of thought.

"Wait, isn't there supposed to be a meeting?" Shane is sticking his head through the half-opened door, looking like a dumbfounded bigfoot that just encountered civilization.

"I cancelled it."

"Oh. Right..." Shane gestures senselessly at the air then points towards the direction of their desks. "I'm gonna go."

"You do that, Shane," Ryan replies with a chuckle, to no one since Shane has already left.

 _"I love you, Ryan, and I want you to love you too."_  
_"I want you to be happy too, you know that right, Shane?"_

Ryan wants happiness for Andrew and for Shane, and they want him to be happy too... but why can't he seem to let himself have it? He leans his head back, trying to think. The room has been booked for an hour and a half, so he still has some more time himself.

_"The stars are so pretty tonight." Ryan shifts just a little closer to Andrew and then a little more until the side of their arms are touching. He then intertwines their fingers. The actions makes Andrew turn and smile at him. "Remember the last time we were up here?"_

_"How could I forget?" Andrew chuckles, he gives Ryan's hand a soft squeeze. "You found me being all sulky up here and you... you made everything better. Then we watched the sunset together... It was so beautiful but nothing compared to you." The compliment puts a deep blush on Ryan's face._

_"Drew..."_

_"Ryan?"_

_"Are you home, Ry?" Oh shit, Andrew's back from work, has it been that long already? Ryan scrambles to wipe the tears off his face, and tries to straighten out his hair so that he doesn't look like he's been lying on the bathroom floor crying for the last couple of hours._

_Too late, Andrew found him. He's standing only a few feet from the bathroom door, wide-eyed and concerned. "Ry? What's wrong?" Andrew steps forward and reaches out for him.... Automatically, Ryan leans away from the touch._

_"I'm fine."_

_"No, you're not."_

_"Yes, I am," Ryan retorts, sticking his tongue out childishly. "As a matter of fact, it's already a done deal. It's on the way, ten minutes!" Ryan announces as he puts his phone away. Andrew rolls his eyes and sighs dramatically, entire body slumping down for effect. Ryan snickers, Andrew does stuff like this all the damn time yet everyone thinks he's a stoic emotionless robot._

_"Oh my god, I'm dating a Taco Bell addict!" Andrew shakes his fists at the sky before breaking out into laughter. Grinning widely, he pokes at Ryan's side. "You need an intervention. You have a problem."_

_"What are you talking about, babe? I don't have a problem." Ryan shrugs, feigning ignorance. He returns Andrew's poke and receives yet another. "I can control my Taco Bell intake."_

_"Oh yeah? Then cancel the order," Andrew suggests nonchalantly, but there's a glint of mischief in his eye._

_"What? No!" Ryan huffs at the idea. "That's our dinner!" Andrew merely raises an eyebrow at that argument._

_"So?"_

_"Um..."_

_Ryan fiddles with the hem of his t-shirt, not sure what to say. He's not going to talk about the fucking spell because that will only make things worse, and his brain is too fatigued to come up with any passable excuses, so he just remains silent. Andrew seem to notice his unwillingness to talk._

_"We don't have to talk about it, we can talk about other things, like..." Andrew pauses for a moment to think before cartoonishly doing a 'eureka' motion. "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere." Andrew waves an open palm in front of them in a semicircle, as if he's showing Ryan the world. Ryan immediately recognizes that joke._

_"That is plagiarism," Ryan points out, no heat behind his words. Actually, he's laughing at it. It's the dumbest joke ever, but it means a lot to him that Andrew actually remembered it. Ryan used it to cheer him up one time, when he chanced upon Andrew brooding away on the rooftop of their office building._

_"Yeah, I'm sure you were the first person who came up with that..." Andrew retorts. Ryan merely crosses his arms proudly._

_"I am."_

_"I'm not."_

_"You do recognize the irony of you claiming to not be a Taco Bell addict while you're LITERALLY STUFFING YOUR FACE WITH IT!"_

_"I'm pretty sure the Copyright Office disagrees."_

_"Why don't you check with them?"_

_"You're eating it too!"_

_"But I'm not addicted!"_

_"Why don't you check with them yourself? You're the one who's claiming an infringement on my joke."_

_"Then I guess you won't mind if I take THIS!!"_

_"That is MY taco!"_

_"That is MY joke!"_

_"You're the worst, Ryan."_

_"You're the worst, Andrew."_

_"But you love me for it."_

_"Really? But did I not make you smile? Are you not smiling now?"_

_"Shut up, Ry."_

_"Shut up, Drew."_

_And in that moment, all Ryan knows is that he wants to stay there forever. He doesn't know what he wants, but with Andrew by his side, Ryan knows there's nothing more he needs. He's so in love with this dork, it's almost criminal. Andrew suddenly leans in against Ryan's side, as if he heard the thoughts. He kind of rests his head on Ryan's shoulder, and lets out a contented sigh._

_This is perfect._

"Oh my god!" Ryan has a moment of clarity, and he finally knows what he needs to do. How could he have been so stupid about it the entire time? He's not gonna deny himself anymore. Ryan sprints out of the meeting room, he needs to find Andrew. He needs to tell him!

When Ryan reaches Andrew's desk, he's surprised to find it unoccupied. He looks around but doesn't see his boyfriend anywhere. Just as Ryan turns around, a fist connects with his right eye, he stumbles backwards into a table that actually hurts more than his assailant.

"Argh FUCK!" Then a second punch comes around and smash him on the nose. A sharp pain strikes through his face. Ryan brings his hands up to his face, and it that brief blurry moment that his eyes manage to open back up, he catches Steven furiously staring him down.

"YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! YOU-" Steven wildly kicks and manages to hit Ryan right in the stomach, causing a pained yell to erupt from him. "I FUCKING KNEW IT!!" Ryan curls up on the floor, one hand clutching his belly, the other cradling his face. He's in too much pain to even try and run. There's a wetness seeping onto his hands that is clearly not caused by tears, which only means...

There's a light gust of wind from Steven narrowly missing a kick aimed at Ryan's head.

"Steven! What the fuck? Steven! _STEVEN!_ " Shane? There's the sound of grunting coming from Steven as he (Ryan assumes) tries to break away from Shane who's holding him back. "Stop it! Calm down!!"

Suddenly, there's a chaotic chorus of overlapping voices that is impossible to tolerate even if Ryan wasn't in such debilitating pain. There is, however, one particular voice that stands out.

"Ryan? Ryan! Ryan!!" Andrew. Ryan tries to stand back up and tell Andrew that he is fine but he can't seem to figure which way is up. He feels Andrew's hands gently inspecting him for injuries. "Where are you hurt? Do you need to go to the hospital?"

Ryan loosens his grip on his face so that he can speak, but the instant he does, a shocked scream from Andrew cuts him off. "Fuck... fuck, that's a lot of blood..." Andrew curses under his breath, pulling Ryan into his arms. He is noticeably trying his best not to freak out, and Ryan wants to tell him that he is okay but the only sounds that leave his lips are more akin to a cry for help. "It's okay, it's okay... The ambulance is on the way. Just hold on..."

No, he can't hold on. He needs to tell Andrew now.

"Andrew... Drew, I have something I need to tell you." Ryan is surprised that his voice is working again, and wants to finish this in case it gave out again, but he's need to be certain he has Andrew's attention. Ryan opens his eyes a little, there's a prickling pain in his right eye though it's not bad enough to force him to shut them again. Andrew's staring concernedly at him, eyes red and shimmery.

"That little voice... in my head... was talking complete bullshit. I know that now." Andrew nods his head to show that he's listening, but he continues to fuss over Ryan. "I love you, Andrew. I don't know how I could even consider breaking up with you, I want to be with you forever." Andrew ceases his movements at this, and Ryan uses his clean hand to hold one of Andrew's. "And if you are willing to have me... I would... I would like very much to marry you."

"I would love that, Ryan..." Andrew flashes a toothy smile that reaches all the way to his eyes, but only for a short moment before grimacing. "...oh god, you're still fucking bleeding." This would be the perfect moment to go in for a kiss if it wasn't for the blood covering half of Ryan's face. What would have been a cute, tender moment would probably end up looking more like a gruesome scene from a zombie flick. Ryan chuckles despite his state, which only worsened the pain in his torso. Guess, he'll have to wait...

...but that's okay, Ryan has waited this long for happiness, he can wait a little longer, for Andrew.


End file.
